It was first the Carthaginians who, in cuneiform, asked “how late can we stay out?” and since that time mankind has searched for a balance in the foggy blurry area where laws do not hold firm and fast: Cutting in line when your friend is saving you a space. Having to work an after school job while the other kids get an allowance. Watching the girl you love go off with Brandon because he has the guts to actually ask her out. “Every single day we encounter injustice and battle against the odds,” said Cole Porter, “this leg ain’t real.” And his joyous celebration of life rings out amongst the lands to this day. Follow Minutiæ as we present editorials, articles, illustrations and more in our investigation of Fairness.

In this ground breaking enlightening issue:

• This issue features very exciting contributors including famous television personalities, filmmakers and critically acclaimed authors.
• Learn the origins behind your favorite characters, rooms and killing utensils in Cluedo: Masters Edition.
• Minutiæ has been around for almost 150 years and in that time mistakes have been made and apologies have been issued.
• Thurber, Nebraska is home to Mama Dell’s diner, Cadillac Jack’s bar and Darlene Moffitt’s murder. Follow reporter Chad Wollman as he discovers the truth behind the death of a beauty queen.

And so much more journalism, illustrations, advertisements, infographics, and editorials.

Go consume the issue now!

My name is Fred P. Jackson and I am the Vice President of Emerging Markets of Testing Systems, the premier standardized testing company in the United States today. When the good people at TARK decided to unload some of its subsidiaries because of corporate tax evasion, we quickly snapped up Minutiæ Publishing and transformed the under utilized printing facilities into teaching tool factories! That’s critical for the huge expansion that Testing Systems is going through at the moment.

The theme for Minutiae this month, Fairness, is especially important to us here at Testing Systems. We want to make sure that each and every student gets the fair chance to excel, and we are introducing some very exciting new programs and tools to help with that, because we have to do everything we can for our most important natural resource extractors: children! And what better way to serve the kids of today than by providing the kids of yesterday tools to teach and excel? None. There is no better way.

Therefore, it’s important that schools use all the great tools available to them. Has a teacher only used the Testing Systems Latex-Free Chalk on the special Testing System Latex-Required Chalk Boards? Are the students well versed in Testing Systems’ classic Base Eight math curriculum? Are they able to hold the special Testing Systems Thin #3 Pencils? These are important criteria to hold our schools to if we are ever going to get back into the space race against the Chinese and their ever-thinning pencils.

Testing Systems also wants to make sure that busy principals are doing their best as well. School administrators don’t have time to walk into every classroom, so our exciting Testing Analytical software lets them do it from afar. Now administrators can stay connected, be it downtown while they make a deal to bring nutritious Testing Systems lunches to each and every student, or from the beaches of Maui at Testing Systems’ annual seminars for principals and superintendents. So many choices can be boiled down to reading a simple graph and saying, “is that chart line going up?” (The Testing Systems Analytics software feature only one simple graph, with slide flute audio feedback for student performance).

In fact, Testing Systems CEO Lance Howell just returned from Washington, DC where he met with top Pentagon officials in hopes of serving the educational needs of our proud armed forces. What better way to prepare our men and women for the rigors of war than with standardized tests, Testing Systems brand Steamed Pizza Lunches, and the thinnest pencils proudly shipped to the USA? None. There is no better way. So, please sit down, eyes forward, put on your patented Testing Systems Test Taking Blinders and get ready for the exciting world of Minutiæ! ✦

Gentle people of the Minutiæ readership:

We are publishing this open letter to address the awful accident that took place at our Arkansas printing press facility this past Springtime. Many immigrants failed to remain alive throughout the ordeal. It is impossible to know how so many gears could be spun in so many wildly different directions, yet spun they did.

Now, before we rush to judgement (and I cannot stress this enough) DO NOT BLAME THE GEARS. Gears are what has made this United American country so great. Not only the gears that power our steamed engyned trains, but the gears of our clocks and the gears of our experimental mechanical servants. Not only the gears of industry, but the gears of commerce and a new segregation based on the only value that matters: social class.

Were we without gears, the Irish or Scottish, at a moment’s notice, could bluntly fall our beautiful nation. Without gears, might the people of southern continents force us into a rootbark-based economy. Let us bless ourselves, the fallen immigrants, and the mighty teethed wheels that power this grand collection of states we call home. God blessed thy.

1917

Dear Victorious American Readers: At our converted Hamburg Printinghaus recently, faulty ventilation caused the death of thirty eight of our dirty-finger-nailed Jerry employees, and, I guess, we must address this.

Firstly, we must say that only the tiny hands of motherless children can mash pulp properly. Only that pulp, formed into paper, will hold the economical Turkish ink that we use to print Minutiae. We all make sacrifices to bring important news and reporting to the world. For instance, our editors log long hours holding their hands behind their backs, slowly nodding while peering out through windows overlooking the printing shoppe floors. Our layoutmen spend days on end shuffling around wooden bits of letters, wearing cumbersome leather aprons, goggles and gloves. Therefore, remember, it is not only the motherless children who submit themselves to servicing the greater good. As you read this I grow tired from leafing through the many contract pages required to have a historic riverfront mansion burned and converted into a world class brawling stage.

In this publicly-reported-upon instance, the pulping of paper occurred on a particularly chilling Winter day. To amass savings to pass along to you, the reader, we use the heat generated by the pulping process to warm our paper processing plants. If any heat escapes, then we lose those savings and must raise the price of our published materials. Wouldn’t you agree, dear reader, that it is in the best interests to keep vents closed and the fume-ed heat held within? Exactly.

Again, we can only blame the vents for not being able to separate fumes from heat and we have tasked our Minutiæ Science Laboratory (once they are done drawing up plans for a world-class brawling stage) with creating such a vent. Until then, pulping will continue with tiny and even more motherless children. Think of thy savings!

2011

It recently came to light that conditions in our off shore Korean printing facility were less than humane. Jolly whistleblowers, undercover bloggers and biased unionizers uncovered the facilities that our contract workers were producing Minutiæ (and the all new Minutiæ Day Beds) under. These reports cite several grievances including elevators that tipped over, leaking light bulbs and a general lack of suitable flooring. And, of course, we were astonished that such horrificies saw the light of day.

We blame the one man who we entrusted with the health and safety of our Korean contract workers. This man we only knew as 론 울프 아이 (The Lone Wolf Eye) and he disappeared shortly after the terrifying conditions were reported in the media.  While there were several red flags that should’ve indicated his untrustworthiness (his constant lighting matches off his cobra skin boots, his leaning back in chairs and looking at the ceiling to dismiss concerns, and his frequent inquiries to if we enjoyed “salty tastes”), we were being urged by stock holders (many of whom are no longer American citizens) to sign the agreement for him to look over our Korean printing facility.

We want to make it clear that Minutiæ prides itself on appearing to hold ourselves to the highest of working conditions. From our publishing team’s Cold Stone Creamery gift cards down to the Minutiæ measuring tapes given in lieu of holiday parties, Minutiæ has stated we are committed to a high standard and we will continue to state that we are committed to such a high standard. If anyone sees 론 울프 아이 in a Southern state, please tell him to get in touch with us as we are still eagerly awaiting the arrival of the first shipment of Minutiæ Day Beds.

• A Good Start: A new “comic strip” from artist Daniel.
• On the Scoop: Zippers: A visit to Galliger’s Zipper Repair to get the scoop behind the coolest clothing fastening device around.
• It’s Gotten Better: Read how Boston’s McKintley High School is making America’s historically most humiliating years safer for their students
• The Future Paradox: We learn about science fiction master William Parker Wrothgate’s first new book in over 30 years.
• Odysseus: The Postcards: Archaeologist Dr. Jean Paljeanette III uncovered the postcards the Greek hero Odysseus sent to his wife Penelope while making the journey back home from the Trojan War… And Minutiæ’s got ‘em!
• Inside Boppbopp: Minutiæ dives into the Internet’s hottest and most talked about surface ever.

And much much more. Go grab the issue now!

It’s late at night in Palo Alto and Isaiah Nickson is wrapping up finalizing the newest feature set on his website. The 900 million members have been yearning for more Boppbopp. This new feature will reinvent the Boppbopp brand, says Isaiah, from “a global phenomenon to a human phenomenon.”

Rewind six months ago when Boppbopp was just being launched. “I had the idea one evening, just by myself, that the world is so hectic these days… and then I made Boppbopp.” We all know the Boppbopp creation myth by now. Struggling sandwich delivery boy turned Silicon Valley superstar overnight. He’s dined with Barack, wined with Oprah and slept with the hottest of Hollywood’s starlets (Easy A? Yes). Yet, for those of you who have been living under a rock (and even then you would’ve heard about it on the Boppbopp-osphere), allow me to introduced you to Boppbopp. The exciting new internet surface is taking 140 characters down to one. It works on desktops, mobiles and Boppbopp key fobs. It’s easy to login with just an e-mail address, though now people are logging into Twitter and Facebook via their Boppbopp accounts, if at all through the aging sites.

Boppbopp accounts are symbolized with the ზ symbol, created by artist Susan Kare. Suspicions exist on Popob, an online community built around Boppbopp, that Boppbopp’s founder Isaiah Nickson created the symbol himself.  The suspicions come from the lack of interviews from Isaiah or anyone on the Boppbopp team. However, they’ve allowed me to follow them as they introduce their exciting new features. (Full disclosure: Bopppbopp granted this exclusive look into the development of their new features through an undisclosed agreement with Minutiæ’s parent company, TARK.)

“People are always looking for holes,” says Isaiah, “They want to think there is some darkness to what’s behind Boppbopp. To those people, I have to say I apologize. I’ve heard the rumors and none of them are true.” This is a powerful web surface, and the fiction surrounding it grows every day from the disgruntled ex-employees to New Orleans residents claiming Boppbopp is hindering the rebuilding of their home, in order to discontinue human interaction in favor of a pure online Boppbopp interaction. “I feel bad about the situations of those less fortunate, but I cannot stop people from how they are using Boppbopp. I only provide the surface. I love Black people.”

When Boppbopp started, it was considered a fun diversion from the overwhelming onslaught of tweets and pokes and zoops (from the failed Boppbopp competitor, and now subsidiary, Zoople). In the beginning, users would send boppbopps to each other—not knowing what they meant—as sort of a cute game. Yet, as time went on, users, or pobs, began to assign meaning to the messages, and the Boppbopp land-grab began.

The Boppbopp community is exploding, not only amongst regular internet users, but also with celebrities who have embraced the web service wholly. Justin Bieber is currently boppoppular with 510 million pobs, second only to founder Isaiah Nickson. UK Prime Minister David Cameron started a Boppbopp account last August, but due to national security concerns, his boppbopps are now encrypted.

Even businesses have begun to launch Boppbopp presences. The now classic story of State Farm Insurance using Boppbopp to offer discounts resulted in a 300% increase in revenue. Does anyone remember Geico? They went the way of the cave men. However, great success on Boppbopp has also been met with huge financial failure. Supposedly, American Eagle set up a Boppbopp account, and two days later their business was down 80% after sending out confusing boppbopps like “ზ” followed 20 minutes later with “ზ”.

“Ginger Spangler is a fucking rockstar because of Boppbopp,” says known recording artist Pick, who discovered the Hungarian sensation after falling in love with the lyrics she posted on Boppbopp. In a short time, Spangler has already pressed two platinum records and has launched a sold-out world tour “Spangled.” Even the rowdy boys from the reality show “These Boyz ‘R’ Noyzee” have found success through Boppbopp, funding their own charity that builds schools in Africa. “We love Black people.”

The morning before Boppbopp’s press conference at Boppcon 2010 at the Yerba Buena Center, Isaiah is going over his keynote speech and the exciting new feature: colors.

In an attempt to simplify the huge growth of the surface, four colors are being introduced, created by Boppbopp’s Color Artists in Palo Alto after a seven-month sabbatical to The Ukraine. The secrecy surrounding these colors have nearly made Boppbopp a prison state to work in the previous weeks. Colorblind guards have been standing guard day and night. Nickson can’t wait any longer to tell the world about the incredible innovation.

The keynote speech begins with Nickson covering the past six months, and then the moment happens. The slide turns to the four nameless colors and the room erupts in a mixture of applause, tears and shock. Nickson is unable to continue with the speech as the thousands in attendance, and millions worldwide, flock to Boppbopp to start sending boppbopps in color. The internet comes to a shrieking halt.

Two days later Nickson wakes up a multi-billionaire. Despite the company not being public, estimates say that his 80% share in Boppbopp is now valued somewhere between 4.2 and 140 billion dollars (The irony? Yes). Money like that, however, is sure to attract naysayers and rattle a few cages. Wall Street Journal reporter Clyde Eckhart wrote “we have no way of knowing the true value of Boppbopp. They don’t host ads, they don’t release their earnings. I’ve come to the conclusion that the business is valued somewhere around $650. The amount it costs to host a site of that size and pay for the employees that we know for sure work for the company. They don’t even advertise themselves.”

The huge growth of Boppbopp can largely be attributed to Pobbpobb, the grassroots user community that has grown up around Boppbopp. “Hell yeah I love Boppbopp,” says Pobbpobb founder Nyle Goodwhyld (pob name Born2BGoodwhyld). “I started Pobbpobb because I saw the potential that this surface would have. It has brought people together in extraordinary ways. In the past six months, I’ve been all over the world, meeting other pobs, starting grassroots campaigns to raise awareness.” (It worked? Yes). Pobbpobb has the largest Boppbop dictionary and compendium in the world, and is constantly being expanded to include new terms, which has become especially difficult with colors. “I was there that day when Isaiah introduced the colors. I blacked out. And when I woke up I was in an oxygen bar back here in Leeds.”

Pobbpobb has been especially helpful in naming the new colors. They were released by Boppbopp without official names or meanings, and it’s been up to the user community to assign them. There is ‘Re,’ ‘Fa,’ ‘Ti,’ and ‘La’ (the names have since been trademarked by a company called Enterprises), and the grassroots campaigns (such as Banksy’s unforgettable boppication of the Lincoln Memorial) have secured the new colors’ place in the world.

There are suspicions, though, that Boppbopp itself started this grassroots user community. Several graphic designers have formed a coalition to create unofficial Boppbopp badges, stickers and decals for water bottles. However, there is mounting evidence that Boppbopp started this user-generated coalition. Organizations such as P.A.ზ. (People Against Boppbopp) have sprung up all around the world. “We are not associated with Boppbopp.” There are rumors that P.A.ზ. is a Boppbopp-backed organization.

All these rumors lead back to one man: Isaiah Nickson. “I hate to have to say this, but I’m going to set the record straight. Our pobs simply love Boppbopp, and that’s why there is this outcry of support for us. There are no conspiracies, there are no secret organizations in the Underworld, and there is no dark side to Boppbopp. Gay people aren’t even allowed on Boppbopp. The longer story, well, that doesn’t fit into Boppbopp’s brand strategy.”

The naysayers will go on and on about the inconstancies of Boppbopp’s story. Boppbopp has recently expanded to larger Palo Alto offices, however, an official address is not registered with the city or state. It is unclear if Boppbopp pays taxes or generates revenue of any kind, positive or negative. The only official employee of Boppbopp is Isaiah Nickson, with everyone else being freelance or an independent contractor. Yet, when I sit down with Nickson, he hands me page after page of an employee roster (Good enough for me? Yes).  

But not everything is cheery in the Boppbopp-osphere. “All I did was set up the surface,” Nickson says, “it’s up to the pobs to shape it as they see fit. Sometimes there are bad pobs, but we hope they don’t spoil the entire surface.” Kids are being expelled from school from sending inappropriate boppbopps. Stories are surfacing everyday of relationships crumbling from miscommunication over Boppbopp. The blackish Boppbopp color ‘Re’, is considered to be a sign of polite affection, like a tap on the shoulder, on the West Coast. However, disparities across the country and the world have led to differing understandings of ‘Re’, such as a strong disinterest or a medical emergency (Local 911 call centers are currently integrating Boppbopp geolocation into their systems after public outcry that it could have prevented the infamous suicide incident of Kevin Gregors).

“Kevin kept on sending ‘Fa’ boppbopps, but he had just moved out to San Fransisco and we thought that was good,” says Kevin’s mother Liane, “but he had gotten mixed up with some new people who had other understandings of the Boppbopp colors. We were flying out to visit him when he smashed his head through the computer monitor. To this day, I can only describe the entire incident as ‘Ti’.”

“Not to be defensive,” Nickson says, “but we followed up with that incident and discovered that there was no one named Kevin Gregors, and when we tried to get in touch with Liane, she had mysteriously disappeared to Argentina and was refusing to answer our questions. We were horrified at the story, but that’s all it is. It’s a story. Fiction.”

What’s not fiction is the tremendous financial and cultural success of Boppbopp. “Kids in Africa, boys in England, girls in Kansas, all over the world it’s Boppbopp, and we don’t see that ending any time soon,” Isaiah says between boppbopping on his Boppbopp key fob, “Boppbopp won’t rest until we’re able to pinpoint each member of society, corral them into resorts, and begin the cleansing systematic production of the ideal human specimen. It’s why I started Boppbopp in the first place: I love Black people.” ✦

(Ed. note: We tried to print the color palate of Boppbopp, but our printers were not capable of reproducing them. Minutiæ also sends our heartfelt prayers to the families of the reporters who wrote this piece. We hope they are located soon.)

(Pub. note: Look, sometimes people just get up and go and don’t leave a note. Let’s go back to bed.)

An overwhelming outcry from parents has flooded the PTA meetings in recent weeks. The parents’ attendance has been the largest for any school-related event ever. “Yes, usually I’m working late in the city,” says Shannon Colman, a corporate lawyer who leaves before her kids wake up and regularly comes home after 9 PM, “but this is important. I need to ensure that when I pass my kids off to school, they be treated as best as possible.”

“We’re bringing everyone up to the highest common denominator. We looked at what was going on,” says Principal Lennon, “and we’re now we’re implementing a whole new set of guidelines. We, as educators, need to recognize that the natural progression of teaching children means that these children, they are all the same, and we don’t care if you’re black or white or rich or poor or have a severe learning disability and probably shouldn’t be in the same classes, everyone is in the same classes.”

For instance, all students have been placed in the advanced tracks for reading and writing. While this has certainly boosted the self-esteem of many students, it has resulted in under qualified teachers struggling to teach struggling students. Lennon explains that, “while it’s important the kids learn, it’s more important they’re feeling they’re learning.”

McKintley administration officials went even further than just using the traditional equalizing tactics such as school uniforms or consolidating water fountains. The dress code, or “ensemble pillars,” is based on the most recent Urban Outfitters styles. Anything that is on an Urban Outfitters mannequin is allowed.

“Before,” says Principal Lennon, “the most popular girls would be were wearing purples and blues, and colors such as green were relegated, were associated with the more quiet kids. It’d be easy to pick out a nerd from a hot girl. Now, everyone is wearing hip colors and the latest cuts of jeans.” He shows me his own “ensemble” of chinos, a solid purple shirt, wool pea coat and black and white keffiyeh. “Even me, the principal, feels cool like everyone else.”

Not everyone, though, can see the enlightenment. “Look, this is ridiculous,” cries James Amerson, a stuffy child psychologist at Harvard specializing in lower education, “this isn’t helping anyone, least of all the children. Of course I don’t like how kids are emotionally tormented, but the fix is not to make schools artificial worlds of equality, but rather to hold parents accountable, to make sure their kids aren’t jerks. No one is listening to me. It’s the parent’s faults that they are letting their children be bad humans.”

Meanwhile, during recess at McKintley, students are not allowed to talk to any one person for more than fifteen minutes at a time. Friendship Advisors roam the cafeteria and hallways ensuring that close friendships do not form, which could later mature into cliques. Furthermore, to counteract discomfort and bullying that can arise from homosexual relationships, a “Full Court Kindness” policy has been enacted. If any student, regardless of sexual orientation or intent, hugs one person, they have to hug everyone. Within three weeks, there was no more hugging.

“Please. Please let these kids form strong friendships and failed relationships,” Amerson goes on, “They’re going to be social aliens, or coddled adults. As soon as they receive a letter of rejection or they don’t get hired, we’re going to have grown people weeping in the streets.”

Upcoming plans include giving A’s to each student, placing them all at the top of the class; adding the entire student body to the each sport teams’ roster; subsidizing fancy meals in the cafeteria; stilts for shorter students; a 550-strong cast for A Chorus Line this spring; and, lastly, blue colored contact lenses, since, “[they] all deserve to be on an equal playing field of having someone lost in their dramatically soulful eyes.”

“It used to be that nearly 30% of the kids were really dragging down the school’s self-esteem quotient, but now it’s fairly normalized, right at the top.” Principal Lennon cites the Line Dance Prom as a “the real deal” equalizer. “There’s a very strict list of songs that can be played at our school dances. All students spend their gym periods learning dances to the songs so when played at the dance they all synchronize beautifully. Some of our alternatively abled students do have to wear exoskeletons to help them move, but still, everyone ends up looking like Usher.” The dances last for hours, allowing for each child’s solo in the middle of a giant circle made up of all the other students.

Shannon Colman is all for it. “It sounds like the right thing for my children,” Colman says over the phone while rushing from her important office to a lunch-time rendezvous on the east side of town, “My children deserve to be as unique as everyone else.” ✦

“Who’s there?” Galliger slyly yells from the back room as I enter. The game of cat and mouse has begun. Inside are zippers of all different lengths and sizes; copper, bronze, aluminum, I assume are the materials used in the manufacturing. “Oh, yeah, I guess I’ve worked here since right after the war, I came back. My father had owned it. How can I help you?”

The only help I wanted was the only kind he wasn’t offering: the scoop. He was still playing coy, acting as if I were a regular customer. I explained whom I was and for wantance I had come: to get the scoop. “Sure, look around, I’ll be in the back if you need anything,” he explained, trying to brush me off from getting the scoop.
The zipper was the first truly modern fastening device. The first American zippers appeared toward the end of the American Industrial Revolution. At the same time, employers were looking ways to limit employee break time (buttons take longer than zippers in bathrooms), and the new machines allowed for rapid production (no longer were children’s tiny hands being caught while making the incredibly sharp metal teeth). Zippers represent our modern need to always be zipping around, thus why they are called zippers. But someone had already scooped this info. Time for me to get back to scooping.

Inside Galliger’s, I’ve decided the game is over. “Zippers have stayed the same pretty much since they began. Maybe the teeth are duller now because of plastic.” He was starting to lose his certainty. It was now time for me to zip to the bottom of the wonderfully rich stories behind this place.

“In the 70s, the neighborhood was getting real bad, but no one bothered us because we’d been here forever and were nice to everyone. When there were riots or burglaries, people decided to leave us alone.” But his eyes were telling a different story, shifting focus to the watch on his wrist.

“No, it wasn’t my father’s. My wife got it for me. I don’t know where.”

The scope of this gem was finally coming into view. The train had finally come. Destination: the scoop.

“Look, I don’t know why you’re here.” Scoop?

I was getting to the bottom of things. I begged him to go off the record, but he did not stray from his story.

“Have a nice day. Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.” Sure you are, Galliger.

I made my way next door to Franklin’s Buttons & Dots, to talk to the proprietor Gregory Franklin. I was sure he would know something about the rich history of dress fastening.

“What are you saying about zippers? Look, do you want to buy something?” I ain’t buying, friend, only scooping. It was then that I heard the muffling underneath the floorboards.

I inquired as to what it was. “Look, guy, get out of here. You don’t want none of this.” I pulled up the floor to see a thirteen year old girl, dirty, tied up. What a scoop! ✦

After purchasing Fairfax-based Knoxbeecher for an undisclosed amount of money to obtain their self-propelling bullet patents, we analyzed and decided to keep Minutiæ Publishing, repositioning the magazine as a newsletter to our many subdivisions in the United States and abroad. It’s important that all employees of TARK are on the same page, thus the clear standardized page determination system. (We have patented this simultaneous page indication system and are proceeding with lawsuits against books.)

As such, we could not be more thrilled that the theme for this month’s issue is Progress. We have a saying at TARK which says, “Progress should not get in the way of the future.” And we’ve followed that from the day we finished building our very first SuperMax Prison, to having the insight to provide prefabricated homes to FEMA, to our colonization of the Underworld. Yes, we are very proud of our commitment to housing our nation’s pre-rehabilitated guilty.

Progress is in our very nature here at TARK. We are using a revolutionary building material and process: bricks made from the dust of the buildings that collapsed during the earthquake in Haiti. Not only are we being paid to clean up and rebuild, but we are using the Haitian dust to create new bricks at a fraction of the cost!

Now, there have been reports from WikiLeaks claiming that TARK pays Afghani warlords to terrorize our building sites in the Middle East, not only postponing their completion dates, but also insuring that we’ll be paid more for our extended contracts. However, if you were to believe that absurd fabrication (not to be confused with our subsidiary Abner’s Fabrications), you’d also have to believe that our private security subsidiary (Abner Fortiferies) is supplying these terrorist groups with training and weapons. And if you were to believe that uncanny fiction, you’d additionally have to trust the media’s reports that we’re using Haitian Dust Bricks to build public schools in districts where we’ve sabotaged the creation of magnet and charter schools.

Sounds like a lot of bedtime stories from jealous competitors that we’ve already bought and dissolved. Think of us as just a bunch of enterprising carpenters who want to build the very best in schools, military bases, prisons, VA Mental Health facilities, Area 52s, The B-52s, and public parks with secret entrances to the Underworld. Come join us as we celebrate 50 years of simple carpentry (just like our Lord, Jesús) at TARK. ✦