We call the coffee machine Lazarus. The youngest guy is responsible for keeping coffee in the machine and we normally run through eight or nine pots a night. We have grinds donated to us monthly by Fischer’s and those are usually gone in a few days.

They have Bingo nights in the cafeteria area once a week, but they keep the stuff here in our pantry so we’ll pull it all out on slow nights. At first we’re joking around with the ball machine, but occasionally we’ll all sit down and play a few games. One time four guys got Bingo at once, which is a mathematical anomaly.

We have a dog; her name is Tilt. We call her that because of the way she tilts her head when we talk. She’s not a Dalmatian because Dalmatians aren’t actually that smart. She’s a rescue. One time we were all watching the History Channel, this show about the Dust Bowl and the Great Depression, and we swore we saw Tilt. And just when we started to get excited she reached over with her paw and shut off the TV.

We’re not required to exercise but we’re supposed to exercise. There are things like that; if your hair gets too long you’re going to have to pull it back. The only rule that really ever gets to the guys is not to look at the crying diamond. Scratch that–the hardest rule is that we can’t ever talk about Chester’s wife. She was a real dog. Some of us think she’s trapped inside the crying diamond.

The paintings in the main hallway change at night. At day they are very nice, very pretty scenic paintings. At night, though, inside of them little images appear of our families, our wives and kids burning alive and smiling. They show up in the paintings as if they had always been there. It is too disturbing. Pyramids of meat and crumpled horse bodies. You think you would learn not to look at the paintings but you still look. Anyway they’re back to normal by sunrise, and there’s a brand new pot waiting in Lazarus. ✦

Since the ‘90s, being “cool” has always meant making sacrifices. To be “cool,” students will talk back to teachers, get tattoos, and even have sex with each other. This school year, a trend more alarming than ever is rising: getting Spanish Mono on purpose so you will be cool and get a boyfriend or just have people come to your party. That’s right: America’s youth finds it acceptable to get sick to be cool.

“I don’t know why, but once you get Spanish Mono, you just don’t just seem popular, you are popular. You wouldn’t get it,” said Lilly Etton, my best friend.

With 3 million populars infected, and growing, Spanish Mono has risen as the “it” disease. It’s something like wearing clothes from New York City, memorizing Lil Wayne songs, and having divorced parents all put together, with a bonus trip to the hospital for extra attention. For too many, the boost in popularity is can’t-miss.

Some people believe this began as far back as 2006, when the word “sick,” like “dope,” “bad,” and “bitchin’,” became an acceptable substitute for “cool.” Then a cool boy in Montgomery County got Spanish Mono, and that became the trendy thing to do, quietly gaining momentum among popular tables until someone’s fat friend learned about it, and then within months everybody started doing it except for the smart motivated girls who want to write for newspapers someday.

Unlike regular mono, the kissing disease, Spanish Mono can only be contracted from heavy contact with the genital sweat of an infected. For uncool kids who can’t find a “Spanish Mono Sponsor,” robbing gym clothes is usually the only option. On the first day of contact, the skin around the eyes gets dark and puffy, and there’s a very distinct cough; it sounds like a clicking from the throat, like there’s a bunch of marbles in there. 95% of those who get Spanish Mono pass away by the second week, but most victims argue it was all worth it.

“I’ve never been cool. Francesca Barber hooked up with me last night. I’m finally happy,” said Chris Phipps, minutes before his death.

Phipps promised that he was going to take me to the Spring Dance, so… thanks, Spanish Mono.

“The way my son caught this disease, and what has happened to him, I just hope it’s a lesson,” said Phipps’ mother Leslie. “Spanish Mono is a bad thing. It’s a horrible thing. Horrible means cool now right?”

For the record, it does. ✦

Minutiae: What.
Winston: What are you guys doing?
M: We’re making a pretend magazine.
W: Oh, well I just saw you guys had a bunch of papers here and you looked like you were having fun.
M: We’re writing articles about thankfulness.
W: Oh.
M: For Thanksgiving.
W: I usually spend Thanksgiving alone, because I don’t know anyone here.
M: –
W: Where are you guys from?
M: The East Coast.
W: I’m from New Jersey.
M: Do you ever miss it?
W: I miss the pizza. There’s no good pizza here.
M: Yeah. Is there anything you don’t miss?
W: I don’t miss running into ex-girlfriends everywhere I go.
M: Did that happen a lot?
W: Yes. What do you guys do?
M: This magazine is very profitable. What do you do?
W: I’m a programmer; I work with augmented reality.
M: Like when you look at the world through your iPhone’s camera and it knows what you’re looking at?
W: Heh, well that’s a small part of augmented reality. I’m working on the action figures for the new James Cameron film.
M: How does that work with toys?
W: You have to wear special glasses.
M: What are you thankful for?
W: Um. Canter’s Deli is good. Also, that I don’t have to run into an ex-girlfriend wherever I go. Seriously, God it was so awkward. It was like, “hey…” I’m just trying to eat.
M: Thank you.
M: What a nerd
M: Total nerd.
M: What’s his deal?
M: I hate this place.

*This obvious reason for Mintuiæ’s consideration is that if his ex-girlfriends found out where he was, his life would fall into shambles.