Toss Point Oh
This is how the newest, flashiest, most innovation cable news network works: Semi-masked billionaire Darien Tossbont stands on a railing overlooking a panel of semi-transparent ultra-high definition panels (which we are calling So So Def, after the Korean inventor So So Def) where he can control every aspect of the broadcast.
At a moments notice, Tossbont can use his electrically-charged baton to direct the cameras to a separate portion of the newsroom to cover a different piece. Yet, who really is Darien Tossbont? A real playboy in the early 1990s, the self-made electric car mogul supposedly perished when the Toss Pinto Fully Electric Automobile (or TPFEA) exploded at the Detroit Auto Show in 1994. After recuperating in Borneo, and taking a native for his child's mother, Tossbont was prepared to reveal the TPFEA2 at the Borneo Auto Show in 2004, placing his child and the mother in the car. If you thought the car exploded, you're half right, because the bottom half exploded! Sadly, and practically, that was enough to kill Toss' family and badly burn his face.
Now, after refusing medical treatment and wearing a half-mask, Tossbont has turned his attention to the gulliberal media (our term) and has risen like a phoenix to become the Founder, CEO and Lead News Conductor of his own media empire Toss Point Oh. And this time, the only thing exploding are the ratings and last week his new supermodel girlfriend's car that he built himself.
Lone Wolf Eye
Little is known about Macau's most recent casino mogul, beyond his Korean moniker: The Lone Wolf Eye. Elusive and potentially dangerous, Wolf Eye has quickly risen to the highest post at Varneo, the semi-autonomous region's most celebrated -- and seediest -- casino. International high rollers have all come to respect Wolf Eye's unbending rule of law, which governs every aspect of the most notorious gambling operation in Macau. There are rooms for every "salty taste", including Slap Poker, Blind Eye Pai Gow, Murderbone, Acid Craps and Honduran Roulette, known as "the game where no one wins”. Rumors of corruption are rampant in Varneo's upper management, though clients are generally happy with Wolf Eye's love of flair. Beautiful women routinely just walk into rooms, slow motion mechanical doves are released every time a jackpot is hit, and the main gambling floor was recently replaced with thick glass that shows an active snake pit just below.
Touch that dial if you’d like, because it doesn’t matter! The world of broadcasting and television has changed and there’s no turning back. Amongst all the companies clamoring for a piece of this new pie is Wizi, the beloved service that has been bringing us our favorite shows the day after they air. But now Wizi is getting into the original series game. After holding “And The Show Goes To…” a weeklong online televisual game show event where the company dwindled down 180 show concepts to only seven, the first episodes began to air in September. Jason Little, Wizi Chief Content Officer, says “these series, voted on by our fans, are the first in a long line of creative and exciting new stories for years to come, and we’re backing it up by spending more than 80% of our operating budget on it. It’s the future!” Comedies like “Adult Losers” and “Too Soon?” are available on the service next to reality shows “Burger Kings of Chicago” and “Too Small Shoes.” The jewel in Wizi’s original content crown is “Kane, MS,” following a single gay dad detective who walks with a cane and is also a crime lord. Time will only tell if viewers who are there to watch last night’s Leeps & Baunds will stick around for these brand new adventures.
Even if you haven't heard of Reggie Volts, you've heard Reggie Volts. The seriously hip nü comedian's funky electronic vibes can be heard on just about every television channel you can find, as the mastermind behind the theme songs for such popular shows as Cake Brothers, Humor Barf Barf and Baby Fortress, among others. Volt's poppy synth sounds are not only viscerally contagious -- they're also extremely easy to create.
With nothing more than a loop box, dented microphone and seriously long coke fingernail, Volts pulses and remixes his way into the opening credits of more than a dozen current comedy shows throughout the cable spectrum. His star is only rising for 2014 as well, thanks to first-look theme song deals with 20th Century Fox, NBC, FillyBustas, Larfum, Oxygen and Toss Point Oh, the shady new cable outlet helmed by semi-masked billionaire Darien Tossbot. Rumor has it, Volts is the only person to ever make Tossbot laugh. And with the gimmicky loops and clever bleep-bloops the self-described "musician" creates as theme songs for so many shows, it's not hard to understand why.
Video Game of the Year
Petty Larceny VI
Veteran video game behemoth partyAnimal Studios’ latest release isn’t just a video game, it’s a cultural event that’s redefining what it means to play a game. Because is it “playing” if you can get back together with your ex-girlfriend, nail that interview for that job you didn’t get, and not pay for that thing on your car your mechanic said you needed to pay for but didn’t really? Cause that’s all stuff you can do in the game. On top of that, partyAnimal has the coolest offices. There’s a Lord of the Rings pinball machine and, on Fridays, they put six beers in the fridge.
Track the major innovations in the pharmaceutical field in the last 15 years and you’ll find a name that keeps popping up: Marquis Corbel. The French-Belgian scientist has worked at Fluid Combine Industries, hPharma, and now TARK, where is he leads the Future Properties Lab. It is in this skunkworks home Corbel’s intellect reigns supreme. In his signature dark silver suit and purple polo shirt buttoned all the way, Corbel sits unassuming in meetings with his colleagues. It is only when the din of discussions turns low that Corbel finally speaks up and offers solutions. “I am proud to be working on these projects that will bring happiness to many in the world,” says Corbel as he sips from a very tiny espresso cup, “but I don’t deserve to be on your list. I am just a man who wants the world to be better off.” Uh, well, get this buddy, you’re on the list! Nice try!
Minutiæ's Mighty Mogul 2013
Stop me if you’ve heard this one: A small Peruvian girl decides that she’s had enough of the state mining corporation polluting the wells in her village, so she decides to start a campaign to write a letter to every world leader everyday for a year. To pay for the postage, she starts to make and sell small blankets. Eventually her stall becomes so popular she is able to afford rent on a storefront and employees. A year later she expands into clothing and begins to export her clothing all over the world. Three years later she lives in a high rise in Lima, and the following year she joins the board of directors of the state mining corporation and votes to have her village transformed into a Waste Incinerator Plant. You haven’t heard it? Exactly you Anglo-centric faux-liberals! Why don’t you open your GOD DAMN EYES once in a while and see the real atrocities that the fascist capitalist process has produced! I guess your politics only extend to your Candy Crush scores.
City of the Year
Los Fegas, NV
Travel blogs and tourism boards are simply abuzz about one of the nation's hottest vacation spots: Los Fegas. Or… is it?
That's the confusion surrounding Nevada's most controversial new destination. Hastily built by real estate mogul Reed Dortmund, Los Fegas sits just west of the long-popular city of sin: Las Vegas. And the similarities between the two go far beyond the name.
Los Fegas features a vintage neon sign with a bright red arrow, welcoming tourists in with its blinking lights. On weekend nights, Dortmund even pays an Elvos impersonator (a similarly obese and rhinestone studded Elvis character that has been popularized in the Philippines in the last decade) to stand near the sign, waving at tourists and belting out catchy Filipino rock tunes.
The skyline of Los Fegas is so similar to Las Vegas in the distance, that it's possible to stand just off the I-15 freeway and line up the buildings exactly, although everything is much smaller in Los Fegas. The dusty boomtown even has a pyramid-shaped hotel, with more than sixty D-cell batteries pointing skyward to attract the eyes of tourists.
Dortmund insists that all of the similarities are mere coincidence, but concedes that business has been booming with the English-as-second-language crowds driving across the desert, expecting to end up in Las Vegas.
In all, Los Fegas is by itself pretty remarkable. Nearly every detail from the glitzy, sometimes seedy Las Vegas nearby has been recreated, but in startlingly lower quality. Somehow, the Los Fegas version of the UNLV campus looks even more tired than the original, most of the endless cul de sac homes are simply pushover plywood shells and the murder rate is non-existent, because few people actually live within the Los Fegas city limits. In a way, it's a poor mockery that has done much to improve upon the original. But remember that classic slogan: “What occurs within the boundaries of Fegas, shall be contained in Fegas!”
Musician of the Year
It’s been 14 years since that fiery inferno consumed Dadofest ’99, and this legend of the Ibiza rave scene vanished forever, but DJ Dado is still the number one musician in the world. He sells more records than anyone, he has a hit MTV reality challenge show, and his record label – Never Truly Gone Records – is booming, thanks to the likes of Dado protégés mashup artist DJ Snuffleupagus and techno-trance collective Worm Symphony.
But what about the graffiti, you say? How is it possible there isn't a subway stop between New York and Washington D.C. that doesn't have the words "Dado Vivo" spray-painted on it? Since his "death-appearance," rumors of a thriving, underground Dado "street team" have spread across dance blogs and mashup message boards.
They say these young house music fans (or "Dado Birds") are meeting in the basements of used record stores and the alleyways outside rave warehouses, still getting the word out about their fallen idol and laying the grassroots marketing groundwork for his eventual return and release of his brand new album (long whispered to be titled: "Dadoism").
But these are all rumors, right? They have to be. Dado's dead. He's definitely dead. The Ibiza police department closed the case, and Capitol Records shuttered the publicity division responsible for the Dado street teams. So it seems the closest we'll come to a Dado return will be his performance at Austin City Limits this past year (backed by those freaks from Wilco). But that was just a hologram. I mean... wasn't it?
Man of the Year
As long as there is blood in our veins, breath in our lungs and Turkish ink on these pages, Dustin Hoffman will remain the Minutiæ Man of the Year. With a career that has spanned decades, an understated work ethic and a love for all things cinematically poetic, Hoffman is the only true choice for this year's top spot, and has been for the past twenty one years.
Hoffman was born and raised in Los Angeles, where he attended the storied Los Angeles High School before enrolling in classes at Santa Monica College. Having undoubtedly been smart enough to graduate (but not needing to waste the time), Hoffman began to concentrate his considerable talents at the Pasadena Playhouse, before moving to New York City to burn the Broadway stage to the ground with his inimitable talents.
First, a detour to the Actors Studio, where Hoffman enhanced his considerable gift as a method actor, even fooling teachers and alumni by dressing the part of hermetic Studio president Darin Slough. In this capacity, Hoffman-as-Slough actually presided over the greatest financial success of the Studio in the school's entire history, streamlining the core curriculum and negotiating for several impactful partnerships with nearby stages that have helped countless actors rise to prominence themselves.
What follows is Hoffman's slingshot into the stars, where each of the uncountable burning lights whizzing past represent a personal and professional achievement. Along the way, Hoffman has picked up every acting and humanitarian award there is, but seems to shrug them off like so little stardust in favor of continuing the journey.
And despite his relative lack of work in recent years -- Hoffman did not produce, direct or act in a single film in 2013 -- and his very own insistence to no longer be included in our pages (all of which are dutifully chronicled in our Letters to the Editor pages and can be found in the Library of Congress), Hoffman continues to impress everyone involved with Minutiæ to the very core. Here's to you, Dustin Hoffman. You are truly Minutiæ's Man of the Year.