by Danny Cohen
Yo, I’m writing this on my iPhone because it’s due tomorrow and I’m at a media event for the release of our new line of Cambodian-inspired Chef Boots For 35 Year Olds. Oh, yeah, I’m Grant Koltkelly, head of PR for Charmed Pluot, the coolest food company. We started as a knocked over food cart in Bushwick four months ago, and since then we’ve opened up locations in all the eight boroughs (yeah, there are eight), JFK Airport, Miami Beach, Lisbon, Ibiza, plus our line of aprons, cookbooks, utensils and, yeah, boots. But, we’re most excited about our purchasing of Minutiæ Publishing so we can turn it’s premier magazine into the greatest food magazine there is. From this month on, Minutiæ is all about Food.
So, what can you expect from Charmed Pluot presents Minutiæ? Well, just yesterday, after we had signed the contracts from our phones (paperless, please, so we can save the planet because those in food are the most conscious and capable of saving the planet), we had a meeting on our motorcycles as we were doing donuts in the parking lot. Our founder, Ken Boreanous (the Korean-Chinese-Brazillian-Spanish-Vancouveran-Roman-Siberian 15 year old wunderkind) decided that we need to make the coolest food magazine ever. We’re throwing out traditional recipes, photos and stories. You want to learn how to make meatloaf? Sure, if that meatloaf is at the same time low-brow (using canned ingredients from a struggling public school district) and high-brow (utilizing bacon made from a sow that only ever walked on two legs), but if you think there’s going to be simple directions, think again. The recipe is going to be mixed in with a story of going out for a night of dragon-venom tasting in Taipei with a chef, a musician, a comedian and Ken’s 4th grade substitute teacher, Doctoral Candidate Richard Agsworth!
But while we’re bringing you insane nights out, we’re going to also be bringing you the same amount of ground-breaking heart-breaking bone-breaking reporting that’s tangentially related to food. Like, we’ll start talking about the school lunches in Detroit, but then soon switch to just talking about the crumbling city, and then it’ll just devolve into a series of stark photographs of old black married couples in front of dilapidated houses with the caption “Your Fault.” We’ll have our monthly column where we make you feel guilty about eating your favorite food (let’s just say after reading what happens to North Korean work camp inmates after their dead, you won’t want another bite of your burrito bowl). No one is getting left off the hook, grinder and vacuum sealer.
But, we’re not just about grime and crime… we’re also here to pat each other on the back. When we do something, anything, we’re going to promote it. When Boreanous served a frozen poached egg, we flooded the internet with press releases, social media posts, and a phone game. When we decided to stop tipping at all of our Charmed Pluot Stoned Markets, we took out an ad in the New York Times that spanned the entire paper for an entire week (except the obits because, like, we are the most respectful out of anyone ever)(and if you’re thinking “wait, I thought you were paperless,” gotta respect the past, bro).
So we humbly present Charmed Pluot presents Minutiæ. If you don’t read it, you’re being willfully ignorant of the most important journalism to ever take place, written by people who have never used a pen.✦