by Joe Saunders
Fans of the star of “The Godfather” and “Las Vegas” come together for this annual con celebrating all things Caan. Check out exhibits featuring the actor’s annotated “Alien Nation” script, the bed from “Misery,” and the real time machine he used to research his role in the futuristic thriller “Rollerball.” Celebrate over four decades of movie star magic.
Stlonk Athletic Auditorium. December 3–4.
An off-shoot of the above mentioned JamesCon, ScottCon is a gathering of men and women whose parents conceived them during the famously sex-filled JamesCons of the 1970s and 80s. This includes the actual Scott Caan who was conceived at JamesCon ’75 when his father hooked up with a model he met on a bus. No autographs or photos though please. Scott’s just here to chill.
Stlonk Athletic Auditorium Loading Dock. December 5. 10am to noon.
For twenty years, this convention has been stranded on the barren wasteland planet of Ceti Alpha VI. But now it has a ship — a Federation ship, at that — and it will stop at nothing to wreak vengeance on the other convention that stranded it there in the first place: Captain James T. Kirkvention. What’s that old Klingon proverb? Oh yes. “Revenge is a dish best served with a laminated three-day VIP pass.”
The Neutral Zone. December 12–16.
What’s going on at the other conventions around town? Only one way to find out — buy a ticket for “ReCon,” the only convention dedicated to gathering intelligence on the other gatherings going on at the same time. But is the source reliable? I said, is this source reliable?!! The president wants answers. We’re running out of time.
Spearmint Hall. December 8–9.
If you only go to the only HVAC convention this year, make it AirConditionerCon. There will be heating, ventilation, and, of course, air conditioning. This has been a convention thirty years in the making because it has taken 30 years for someone to invent something new in HVAC. Mostly everyone will be there to see the new thermostat from Nest because it is genuinely cool. (Cool? Get it?)
Thurber Coliseum. December 18 — 22.
(Ed. note. AirConditionerCon has been cancelled due to a facilities malfunction at Thurber Coliseum)
Against air? You’re not alone, and that’s why the Carbon Dioxide Consortium is hosting a free three day convention to promote their anti-oxygen agenda. The pale bald eyebrow-less men of the CDC are excited to hand out free water bottles, tote bags, and charcoal tablets to anyone willing to listen to them. Also, there will be a screening of “ConAir.”
Beavus Arena. November 31 — December 2.
What happens when you set over 300 3rd, 4th and 5th graders loose in a large room with 14,000 colorful condoms? No one knows, but the Harvard Sociological Society wants to find out. With a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts, the HSS will be bussing in young people from across the country and depositing them in a convention center where the only thing will be a giant pile of condoms in the middle of the room (and plenty of video cameras to record the exciting results!)
Michael Jordanian River Convention Center. December 23.
Hey, Mommies! Looking for new ways to make your kids feel guilty about their actions? The CondemnationCon has all your needs with over 200 venders, and 300 talks spread over 9 rooms and 5 days. By the end of this, you’ll be wondering how you ever made your kids feel bad about their adolescent emotional states before. Special guest: your dad!
DaLerious’ Big Room. December 2 — 7.
Spill a drink. Accidentally touch hands. Meet on a subway. All of this and more at the RomComCon. There will be seminars on Running in High Heels, Seeing an Old Friend in a New Light, Shoulder Touching, Leaping to Your Feet While Covering Your Privates with Pillows, and Looking Out Windows. The RomComCon will end suddenly, with the rush of convention organizers separating people before they can exchange phone numbers or even names.
LeAnn Rimes Hall. November 28 — 31.
The always demure Sean Connery hosts the 12th annual SeanConneryCon because he, in his own heavily accented words, “just wants one person to show up.” Tickets to SeanConneryCon are free, as are swag and three meals a day including snacks and desserts. Still, after 12 years, not a single person has come to SeanConneryCon, but Connery is optimistic that this is the year. He will have a baseball glove ready if anyone comes in and wants to play, or he’ll just be quiet while you enjoy the James Bond and Finding Forrester exhibits. Will he be the man now, dog? We’ll see.
DaLerious’ Big Room. December 8 — 18.
A month-long convention for sneaky thieves, young child grifters, and even younger baby stealers (not kidnappers, but babies who are stealers). There are no tickets and the entrances will be sealed, but that won’t be a problem if you really want to see the latest in stealing technology. French rappers Refrain Rythme will be headlining the first evening with their brand of anti-establishment rap such as “Work Hours Need More Regulation, Please” and “Women Should Have More Time Off After Their Pregnancies.”
Boppbopp Arena. December 1 — 31.♦