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Minutiæ Kids9.13

Cool Stuff Going On

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SCHOOL

U.S. History Class: This week we're learning about the Revolutionary War. (8am, Mr. Barnes' classroom)

Barrel Factory Field Trip: Get your permission slips signed by your parents and your lunches sacked because the entire 7th grade is taking a trip to the city barrel factory. Learn how to make barrels, learn what goes in barrels, and hey, just learn what barrels are. Maybe you'll decide you want to one day pursue a profession in the barrel industry. It's long hours and low pay, but in this town, the barrel-makers (“coopers” as they’re known in the biz) make the rules. (September 5th, Buses leave school at 8:30am, $5 for juice and afternoon snack)

Hallway Patrol Meeting: It's the most illustrious position in school — the hallway safety patrol. And now it is time for the yearly gathering of the patrols. Meet the new recruits, bid farewell to recent graduates, and see the sashes torn from the shoulders of those that have failed in their patrol duties and disgraced the ancient code. After all that, Vice Principal Petrano is going to throw one heck of a pizza party. (September 10th, 3:30pm, School Cafeteria)

Weekend Detention: Well, here we all are – the brain, the jock, the criminal, the popular girl, the weirdo, the illusionist, the herpetologist, shoe girl, Blind Ronny, ancient Tim and Scorpion. And we're all supposed to spend the next few hours in this library, thinking about whatever it is Principal Peters says we did wrong. Well, Principal Peters, maybe we're more than these pre-conceived labels you have put on us. Like the jock? Maybe he likes making chairs. And the popular girl? Maybe she's really a duck. Not everything fits into your perfect little box, man. (September 20th, 8am, School Library)

SPORTING EVENTS

Little League Baseball: It's the Bear Cubs versus the Stallions in a rematch of last year's epic showdown. And Jimmy is just going to be standing in the outfield, not paying attention to anything. He's going to twirl around, drop his glove, maybe start singing to himself or something. Whatever he does, he definitely won't be paying attention to the game even if a fly ball is coming right at him. What is with that kid? And why won't his folks just let him take those tap classes like he wants? (September 20th, 10am, Marksdale Field)

Horse: Rudy, Clay, Juan, Nicko, Brad, Sterling, and Johnny will all be playing a game of Horse. Rudy is the best, but Juan has been practicing a lot lately and could be a real challenge for Rudy. If Juan wins, Rudy will never hear the end of it. They’ll be using Nicko’s MacGregor X35WC basketball [reviewed by Minutiæ Kids Labs in last month’s issue]. (September 12th, 4pm, Clay's Driveway)

Butts Up: If it's adult swim time, then everyone heads out into the pool's parking lot to play. There are several rules, but what matters is that at some point, you have to go up to the wall and another player tries to throw a tennis ball up your butt. That's just how they play it in this town. Everyone gets a ball up their butt eventually. Mayor Graybone still has three tennis balls in his butt from when he played twenty years ago. (September 4th, 11:45am, Echo Ridge Pool)

Tag: It's tag. They tag you, you tag them, someone touches Debra's boob, Debra gets mad and goes home, someone calls that person who touched her boob a pervert, everyone leaves, and the game is ruined. Why do we go through this tired charade week after week? (September 10th, 12pm, School Athletic Field)

HANGS

Smoking: Phil says he's going to show everyone how to smoke on Wednesday afternoon in the woods behind the school. According to Phil, he smokes all the time and loves it. He is going to steal a cigar from his stepdad and we'll all smoke together. Just act like you do it all the time too. (September 9th, 3:45pm, Wooded Area Behind the School)

Video Games: Nelson, Lloyd's older brother, is going to let Lloyd come over and play Diablo III on his Playstation. Nelson has his own apartment on the east side and is awesome. He's got a van, a girlfriend named Elle, and his own pet snake. Lloyd's mom won't let him have a snake but at least he'll get to pet Nelson's. (September 16th, 6pm, 1344 Apple Blvd., Apt. B)

The Mall: The whole school is headed to Shreve Mall on Friday afternoon. They'll walk around, go in a couple stores, sit around the food court, and possibly go to a movie at the AMC 16. Maybe Robert will be there. That'd be pretty great if he was. But he probably won't. Robert's always at home, with his nose in some book, worried about his grades and SATs. You have to live sometime, Robert. Alison won't wait forever. (September 28th, 4pm, 100 Shreve Mall Avenue)

Losing of the Virginity: Ted Keene is finally going to lose it. After a year and a half of dating, Kimberly O'Brien has finally given him the go ahead. He's going over to her house on Thursday afternoon and they are going to do it. The wild mambo. The horizontal hustle. The twisty tustle. The forbidden flamenco. The clumsy tango. The naked shimmy. The dirty, um, dance? Anyway, the rest of the kids put in a hidden camera and are going to live stream the whole thing to the entire school, just to make sure it happens. (September 12th, 6pm, 7434 Walnut St.)

THE REST

Pizza Party: It's Mr. Connor's last day at school so we're putting down “To Kill a Mockingbird” and ordering a bunch of cheese pizzas from Papa Johns. The powers-that-be might not have liked Mr. Connor's sitting-on-the-desk teaching style, but his students will never forget him. Especially because he gave each of us a cardboard cutout of himself. (September 20th, 11am, Mr. Connor's classroom) ♦