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The Coolest Fall Election Guide

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Whuddup, home skillets? New school year means new buds (and duds) on the student council. We’ve got the scoop on who’s runnin’ (and who’s bummin’) this time around.

TREASURER

Alicia Travestpot (9th Grade)

Aside from the standard promises of perfect attendance and budget responsibility, Alicia says that she’s the one to help make every dollar work for students. “I believe my classes on the advanced math track will help me balance the budget and thusly provide more funding for a blowout at the end of the school year come June.” June!? We gotta wait all the way until then? We’ll see if the kid voters can wait that long…

Gavin Clackster (9th Grade)

This is Gavin’s second time in ninth grade, which the Clackster says all adds up to experience. Even with a built-in nickname that is sure to energize the voters, Gavin promises that he’s gonna make sure every student council dollar is spent wisely. “The salvia stuff is in the past,” says Clackster, “and giving me the opportunity to manage the large student council budget is just the responsibility I need to not relapse again.” Here’s hoping all that experience means a big win.

SECRETARY

Mostavia Beligra (11th Grade)

In only her second year at the school, Mostavia Beligra says that she’s the one to take minutes and schedule the meetings for student council, and don’t we know it! All those signs and posters around her family’s convenience store makes it all more clear that Mostavia wants this win. “She is smart, confident, and has excellent penmanship,” says her father, Mr. Beligra, who has been handing out free ice creams to sweeten her daughter’s chances. But will Mostavia’s quiet voice hurt her come debate time? Rumors are that she barely made a sound during her final English presentation last year. She might have to belt it out or break the bank to grab this seat.

Troydent (9th Grade*)

Troydent, the late transfer-student last year from South Dakota, is already a school celebrity. Word is his simple country wisdom has dazzled many at summer parties, while his ever present helmet-like baseball cap keeps an air of mystery around the boy. “I’m hella good at scrawlin'” says the boy of undetermined age as he skips rocks in the old Sears parking lot. It might be his notoriety and his love of speaking to the masses that has Troydent scrawlin’ all year long at student council meetings.

VICE PRESIDENT

McKenna Joyce Bradley (12th Grade)

Will this be big win number four for MJB? Having wowed the students three years ago grabbing the vice presidential seat as a freshman, she’s continued to bring a sense of stability to the student council. “My experience and service to the student council has not only defined me in high school, but it’s who I’ve become.” But will voters be able to recognize all the hard work that MJB has done in the past years at the Breezy Ice Cream Social 2010, the Avengers Homecoming Spectacular 2012, the Spookiest Halloween Bash Ever 2010, the President’s Day Parade 2011, the Spookiest Halloween Bash Ever 2011, the Iced Out Winter Dance 2010, the Valentine’s Day Mixer 2013, or the Spookiest Halloween Bash Ever 2012 to snag the seat for her senior year?

Gabriella Destina Fernando Santiago (9th Grade)

Could history repeat itself this year with newcomer Gabriella Destina Fernando Santiago unseating a senior for the Vice President’s seat? Rumor has it that this Latina ruled middle school as not only president of her student council, but was prom AND homecoming queen, and is looking to continue her reign. “What this school needs is some new ideas. If business as usual means three years of the same tired Halloween party, then it’s time for a change,” says the hopeful challenger surrounded by a crowd of underclassmen at the summer’s end of the year party at Cory Pachinco’s house because Cory has a pool and his mom was in Vermont with her new husband.

PRESIDENT

Asher Rothstein (12th Grade)

Hoping to make the jump from Secretary to President this year with two years of student council service under his belt, is Asher Rothstein. While many remember Rothstein from his freshman and sophomore years as the quiet, reserved student, it was the seemingly embarrassing moment when Rothstein was “debriefed” in the locker room last October that led his transformation from wannabe to wanna-do! “Dude, what I am focused on is making this senior year the biggest, most awesomest time. Vote for me and I promise that the party won’t ever stop.” Rothstein, now armed with confidence, a provisional driver’s license, and his older brother’s used Nissan, is ready to take senior year by storm and lead the student council into the year 2014.

Lucy Markley (12th Grade) 

Could it be that Markley’s late entrance into the race was fueled by the messy past that she and Rothstein share? All past romances (or duh-mances) aside, Markley has been speaking of her ambitions to take the president’s seat ever since she and Rothstein had their big split at the prom last year. While Markley keeps on throwing fireballs Rothstein’s way, photos on the hip new photo sharing network Goebbels reveal that Markley and Rothstein have had at least one in-person meet up over the summer that ended with Rothstein crying. “I want nothing to do with that liar,” says Markley. ”We kissed at the start of the school year, then he became super popular, and then I thought we had gotten to know each other when he ruined everything at prom!” Rumors point to failed reconciliation initiated by Rothstein, with Markley being too hurt to take him back. One can only imagine the giant cloud of broken hearts and teen hormones that will be swirling around this election. Is there a giant blow-up at the debates or on election day in our future? Only time will tell.

Geef Bostafiano (10th Grade)

It’s that kid who says he can levitate stuff, but who has seen him do it? No one, except for science teacher Mr. Pachinco who had a nervous breakdown in the cafeteria last March so who knows what to believe. ♦