It is not too bold to state baldly that the monocle has long been a symbol of Ã©lite standing and statement of exceptional genetic favorings within the gradient choirs of society. And while it has stood the test of time, along with the tufted-leather reading chair, the wide-rimmed champagne glass and the mid-breasted utilitarian flask, it has slid down the scale somewhat of itemized accessories in the heated side of the pedestrian “Hot or Not” column.
However! I am here to announce with clapping glee that the monocle is back at the top of the list, triumphing over romper-suits for ladies. It is now the time to dust off the case and wear the monocle with pride, much like the beloved social-page staples: Controversial boxer Rubin ‘Hurricane’ Carter, sinister and cat-loving Sir Patrick Moore, famed lesbian Karl Marx, the majority of Gilbert & Sullivan’s musical characters and of course, the cheerfully obsessive compulsive Count Von Count.
Having acquired my monocle the only way it should be acquired, via questionable inheritance, I have come to learn that a large swath of “Generation Sext” has no idea the rich history behind the uniglass, nor the proper etiquette for donning it. So in light of spiking deathbed requests, let me impart a brief lesson:
It must be worn on the right side, regardless of natural dominance dexterity, as that is the side of the face reflective of the left-sided brain, the cortical hemisphere known to favor the mathematical, political and gin-drinking- party-winking cognoscente. The chain of the monocle, or “Senator’s rip-cord” as it was known in the twenties, must hang just past the chin at a two finger’s distance from the wearer’s smirk. One must remain poker-faced and emotionally neutral while sporting the lens, for if the eyebrows raise in disbelief at say, a poorly made stock market investment, the lens will fall comically, most likely into one’s wide-rimmed champagne glass.
It is important to know the back-story of the monocle, for one will find that inquiring minds will want to know all in this era of advancing retinal technologies. The etymology of the word, “Monocle” supports the grandiose mythology of the accessory’s birth. Deriving from the French words “mon” and “oncle” translating directly to “my uncle”, the moniker provides the answer each high-born esthete delivers upon hearing the question, “My, wherever did you get that?” Thus the questionable inheritance of the eyeglassette is constantly certified. In fact I myself received my monocle from a far-away relative in the West Indes, who upon his timely death, had it delivered to me in a velvet-lined box by a well-trained, world-traveling monkey with his own Delta SkyMiles card. Questionable? Indeed.
Now that you are fully informed and can embody the elegance of the optimal optometrical style, squint your eye and take a good look at the world. How does the world look through a monocle? One-sided? Yes. But bright, my dearlings and compatriots. Bright and early, well-polished and pearly.