Happenings in the City — Purity



Yeah, You Could Say I’m Talkative: Humorist Nancy Calner will be reading selections from her late grandmother’s recently published diary written during Andy Warhol’s Factory days. Not sure if you should go? Two words: sassy Nazis. (Books & Soup, June 1st, 6pm)

Bill Does The Hill: Former U.S. president Bill Clinton debuts his one-man show as part of this year’s Fringe Fest. In it, Clinton does impressions of all 535 members of the U.S. Congress, circa 1997. Open mic fans have seen Bubba workshop this material for months and say his Arlen Specter take is “deliciously deadly”. Directed by The Jason Alexander. (New Theater, June 10th, 8pm, $8)


Honky Tonk Jamboree: It’s time for a good old fashioned hoedown. Unfortunately, none of the organizers have ever been to a “hoedown” or even know what a “hoedown” is, so it’ll essentially be what they imagine one of these events to be like. Still, it will be good to bring a slice of country flavor to our urban community. But really, has anyone ever been to one of these? We’re pretty sure they’re real things. It’s a party, right? But maybe just outside? Is there a tent involved? (June 7th, 6:30, $10 for admission and mason jar for free refills on lemonade)

Sadie Hawkins: Expect the unexpected as it’s the ladies’ turn to ask the boys out at the Pierre Morel Middle School’s annual soiree. Will Charlotte ask Brad? Will Kimmy ask Jeff? Will Abby ask Duke Jr.? As for that last one, dear Christ, let’s hope not. Cause Duke Jr. is 42 years old and Abby’s dead. (June 6th, 7pm, $5 at the door)

Junior Prom: Oak Hill High School students are expecting a normal prom to cap their junior year. Well, 17-year-old Larry Grope has other plans. And those plans include setting up a decoy so that he can sneak away and steal the master copy of this fall’s SATs from College Board HQ. And getting his widowed dad to close the deal with Ms. Hunter the virgin art teacher. (Downtown Hilton, June 22nd, 8pm, $75)

Homecoming: Homecoming is typically an event for universities or high schools. Well, this one is at a farm. Farmer Ned Tugent is bringing all the animals back to the barn where many of them were raised, and to cheer on the current class of pigs, cows, and horses. The animals have no idea what’s really going on, but Ned hopes that this time his date won’t leave with Chuck Mason the mayor’s son. (33 miles north of the city off Route 32, June 25th, 4am)


O’Shanny’s: Get out your fists cause it’s going down at O’Shanny’s Pub on Thursday night. Someone will spill a drink, or shoot a dirty look, or just make a snide comment about someone’s glasses. However it happens, it’s going to be a blood bath. We’ve all been working a lot lately. Let’s blow off some steam. Bring your bricks. (3421 Brain St., 10pm)

Movie Night: Time for Jeff and Carol’s bi-monthly date night and they’re just going to stay in, order some Thai, and watch something on Netflix. But what’ll they watch? Who knows? But it ends with Carol hitting Jeff with a dictionary, and Jeff sitting on the stoop outside, bleeding and looking longingly at his female coworker’s Instagram feed. (3342 Blonde Ave,. Apt. 3, June 19th, 7pm)


Jekyll Island Field Trip: The whole city is taking an overnight trip to the coast so we all can learn something about this state’s ecology and history. Bring boots for the hike and get bunkmate requests in by Tuesday. Seriously, everyone needs to do this because Claire spent a really long time planning it – so don’t bail. Claire’s mom is really sick so don’t ask about it and everyone have a good attitude. If Claire gets a phone call during the trip and walks away from the conversation, just keep cool when she comes back. (June 2nd-3rd, Buses leave the Northlake Mall parking lot at 8am)

Sports: Are you ready… to fumble? Hoops will be scored, home runs whacked, and serves volleyed back in this thrilling sports thing in a bowl or dome with people doing something with their arms and bodies. And it’s possible black guys are better at it than white guys. Oh, now you’re offended? I mean it as a compliment! Hi Human Rights Tribunal, do you feel like stealing some freedom of speech from people?! (Vans Arena, June 25th, $10-$80)

Odds and Ends

TubeCon: Annabeth Powers, host of the popular “My Drunk Furnished Basement” video blog, curates this gathering of the top YouTube personalities. Expected guests include the stars of “Retarded Spock,” “Girl In Glasses,” “Mannequin A Day,” “Review My Boobs,” “Asian Something,” “Doctor Tanktop,” and “Ask a Rapist.” (Home Depot Center, June 9th-11th, 2 bitcoins)

Free Bathroom: What’s worse than when you’re trying to pass your bowels in a public bathroom and some jerk comes in, sits in the stall next to you, and makes you too self conscious to go? Absolutely nothing. So hear this – the bathroom on the 4th floor will be quiet and empty from 9:30am to 11am on Tuesday morning. Don’t ask how I know. Just do your business and be happy about it. (Downtown Courthouse, June 5th)

Booze Cruise: Sigma Alpha Epsilon, the wildest frat on campus, embarks on its annual weekend-long boat-based beer-stravaganza. Tickets are free. You just have to do a shot for every chick you didn’t bang this year. And at Lobster Bib's behest, it’s not gonna be a repeat of last year where we spent the whole time arguing over who can read a book the fastest. What? S-A-E! S-A-E! S-A-E! (June 13-15th, Lake Oboe)

Great Darkness: We’ve all heard the whispered rumors of an evil marshaling its forces in the west, seen the forest creatures departing for lands unknown, and heard the cries of infants in the night – now, witness what happens when the Great Darkness descends upon us all, just as that gypsy witch foretold. The time of man is over. Chaos and magic shall rule once more. All hail the mighty eye. (Forever, Eternity, $10)

Minutiæ Staff Meeting: Writers, editors, interns and the like are all agiggle over the rumor that the next staff meeting will be catered with bagels. Blueberry, Raisin, Onion, Everything, everything. The word is there will be options. No spreads though. You know the deal with that. Just dry bagels. The higher ups are trying to make a report that they want a juicier magazine. So, if everyone just works really hard next month's meeting will have some real primo prime rib and hopefully a juice bar. (June 1st, Midnight, The Cube, 7th Sector) ♦