Happenings in the City — Purity



Yeah, You Could Say I’m Talk­a­tive: Humorist Nan­cy Cal­ner will be read­ing selec­tions from her late grandmother’s recent­ly pub­lished diary writ­ten dur­ing Andy Warhol’s Fac­to­ry days. Not sure if you should go? Two words: sassy Nazis. (Books & Soup, June 1st, 6pm)

Bill Does The Hill: For­mer U.S. pres­i­dent Bill Clin­ton debuts his one-man show as part of this year’s Fringe Fest. In it, Clin­ton does impres­sions of all 535 mem­bers of the U.S. Con­gress, cir­ca 1997. Open mic fans have seen Bub­ba work­shop this mate­r­i­al for months and say his Arlen Specter take is “deli­cious­ly dead­ly”. Direct­ed by The Jason Alexan­der. (New The­ater, June 10th, 8pm, $8)


Honky Tonk Jam­boree: It’s time for a good old fash­ioned hoe­down. Unfor­tu­nate­ly, none of the orga­niz­ers have ever been to a “hoe­down” or even know what a “hoe­down” is, so it’ll essen­tial­ly be what they imag­ine one of these events to be like. Still, it will be good to bring a slice of coun­try fla­vor to our urban com­mu­ni­ty. But real­ly, has any­one ever been to one of these? We’re pret­ty sure they’re real things. It’s a par­ty, right? But maybe just out­side? Is there a tent involved? (June 7th, 6:30, $10 for admis­sion and mason jar for free refills on lemon­ade)

Sadie Hawkins: Expect the unex­pect­ed as it’s the ladies’ turn to ask the boys out at the Pierre Morel Mid­dle School’s annu­al soirée. Will Char­lotte ask Brad? Will Kim­my ask Jeff? Will Abby ask Duke Jr.? As for that last one, dear Christ, let’s hope not. Cause Duke Jr. is 42 years old and Abby’s dead. (June 6th, 7pm, $5 at the door)

Junior Prom: Oak Hill High School stu­dents are expect­ing a nor­mal prom to cap their junior year. Well, 17-year-old Lar­ry Grope has oth­er plans. And those plans include set­ting up a decoy so that he can sneak away and steal the mas­ter copy of this fall’s SATs from Col­lege Board HQ. And get­ting his wid­owed dad to close the deal with Ms. Hunter the vir­gin art teacher. (Down­town Hilton, June 22nd, 8pm, $75)

Home­com­ing: Home­com­ing is typ­i­cal­ly an event for uni­ver­si­ties or high schools. Well, this one is at a farm. Farmer Ned Tugent is bring­ing all the ani­mals back to the barn where many of them were raised, and to cheer on the cur­rent class of pigs, cows, and hors­es. The ani­mals have no idea what’s real­ly going on, but Ned hopes that this time his date won’t leave with Chuck Mason the mayor’s son. (33 miles north of the city off Route 32, June 25th, 4am)


O’Shanny’s: Get out your fists cause it’s going down at O’Shanny’s Pub on Thurs­day night. Some­one will spill a drink, or shoot a dirty look, or just make a snide com­ment about someone’s glass­es. How­ev­er it hap­pens, it’s going to be a blood bath. We’ve all been work­ing a lot late­ly. Let’s blow off some steam. Bring your bricks. (3421 Brain St., 10pm)

Movie Night: Time for Jeff and Carol’s bi-month­ly date night and they’re just going to stay in, order some Thai, and watch some­thing on Net­flix. But what’ll they watch? Who knows? But it ends with Car­ol hit­ting Jeff with a dic­tio­nary, and Jeff sit­ting on the stoop out­side, bleed­ing and look­ing long­ing­ly at his female coworker’s Insta­gram feed. (3342 Blonde Ave,. Apt. 3, June 19th, 7pm)


Jekyll Island Field Trip: The whole city is tak­ing an overnight trip to the coast so we all can learn some­thing about this state’s ecol­o­gy and his­to­ry. Bring boots for the hike and get bunk­mate requests in by Tues­day. Seri­ous­ly, every­one needs to do this because Claire spent a real­ly long time plan­ning it — so don’t bail. Claire’s mom is real­ly sick so don’t ask about it and every­one have a good atti­tude. If Claire gets a phone call dur­ing the trip and walks away from the con­ver­sa­tion, just keep cool when she comes back. (June 2nd-3rd, Bus­es leave the North­lake Mall park­ing lot at 8am)

Sports: Are you ready… to fum­ble? Hoops will be scored, home runs whacked, and serves volleyed back in this thrilling sports thing in a bowl or dome with peo­ple doing some­thing with their arms and bod­ies. And it’s pos­si­ble black guys are bet­ter at it than white guys. Oh, now you’re offend­ed? I mean it as a com­pli­ment! Hi Human Rights Tri­bunal, do you feel like steal­ing some free­dom of speech from peo­ple?! (Vans Are­na, June 25th, $10-$80)

Odds and Ends

Tube­Con: Anna­beth Pow­ers, host of the pop­u­lar “My Drunk Fur­nished Base­ment” video blog, curates this gath­er­ing of the top YouTube per­son­al­i­ties. Expect­ed guests include the stars of “Retard­ed Spock,” “Girl In Glass­es,” “Man­nequin A Day,” “Review My Boobs,” “Asian Some­thing,” “Doc­tor Tank­top,” and “Ask a Rapist.” (Home Depot Cen­ter, June 9th-11th, 2 bit­coins)

Free Bath­room: What’s worse than when you’re try­ing to pass your bow­els in a pub­lic bath­room and some jerk comes in, sits in the stall next to you, and makes you too self con­scious to go? Absolute­ly noth­ing. So hear this — the bath­room on the 4th floor will be qui­et and emp­ty from 9:30am to 11am on Tues­day morn­ing. Don’t ask how I know. Just do your busi­ness and be hap­py about it. (Down­town Cour­t­house, June 5th)

Booze Cruise: Sig­ma Alpha Epsilon, the wildest frat on cam­pus, embarks on its annu­al week­end-long boat-based beer-strav­a­gan­za. Tick­ets are free. You just have to do a shot for every chick you didn’t bang this year. And at Lob­ster Bib’s behest, it’s not gonna be a repeat of last year where we spent the whole time argu­ing over who can read a book the fastest. What? S-A-E! S-A-E! S-A-E! (June 13–15th, Lake Oboe)

Great Dark­ness: We’ve all heard the whis­pered rumors of an evil mar­shal­ing its forces in the west, seen the for­est crea­tures depart­ing for lands unknown, and heard the cries of infants in the night — now, wit­ness what hap­pens when the Great Dark­ness descends upon us all, just as that gyp­sy witch fore­told. The time of man is over. Chaos and mag­ic shall rule once more. All hail the mighty eye. (For­ev­er, Eter­ni­ty, $10)

Minu­tiæ Staff Meet­ing: Writ­ers, edi­tors, interns and the like are all agig­gle over the rumor that the next staff meet­ing will be catered with bagels. Blue­ber­ry, Raisin, Onion, Every­thing, every­thing. The word is there will be options. No spreads though. You know the deal with that. Just dry bagels. The high­er ups are try­ing to make a report that they want a juici­er mag­a­zine. So, if every­one just works real­ly hard next month’s meet­ing will have some real pri­mo prime rib and hope­ful­ly a juice bar. (June 1st, Mid­night, The Cube, 7th Sec­tor) ♦