by Joe Saunders
Bill Thesda (“No Thank You,” p. 31) is the author of three books on World War I and was briefly married to Joe DiMaggio.
Jack Straton (“I Just Called To Say I Mugged You,” p. 40) is a staff writer and, in his spare time, a sculptor of small statues. He’s able to make them tiny because he has adorable baby fingers.
Janet Wong (“A Billion Dollars a Day,” p. 68) has never been kissed. I mean, she’s been kissed. Just not really kissed. You know, with tongue.
Steve Johnson (“Lolita, pages 8 — 23,” p. 94), a staff writer since 2004, completely forgot he had an article due so he sent in a chapter from the book he was currently reading.
Gail Harrison (“Afe Ttatag Bbbiiita,” p. 40) is the fastest typer on staff.
Leon Parks (“The Hat In The Cat,” p. 42) is the only person to “win” the Presidential Fitness Challenge and won’t let the office, or his fat son, forget it.
Diane Charles (“Sucker Punch,” p. 47) is a longtime contributor to the New Yorker, or at least what she thinks is the New Yorker. Shhhhhh…
Ben Krantz (“Log Cabin Styles,” p. 46) is the author of over sixteen different books. He has nineteen dogs, and one son who really looks like a daughter. We all saw Bully, but come on…
Wanda LaRose (“New Restaurants,” p. 33) is one of the preÃ«minent food writers in the country. She achieved this by eating all of the other food writers and absorbing their power, Highlander style.
Mandy Monroe (“Backyard Snooze,” p. 52) is the third best looking woman in the office according to an informal, non-scientific survey of other people in the office. She was number two until she got in that car accident.
Gerry Connor (“Can I Just Say Juan Thing?,” p. 61) was a senior writer at this magazine until he was recently fired. Specifically, he found out he was fired by reading this blurb just now. Security, show Mr. Connor to the door. It’s called ‘karma’, you racist bastard.
Old Dusty (“These Pants Are Loose,” p. 70) is easily the wisest, most beloved writer on staff. He’s the one we all go to for advice. Oh, Old Dusty, what would we do without you and your necklace of snakes?
Rick Stubbens (“One More Song,” p. 63) is the author of the book “Writing Great One Sentence Bios for Magazine Contributors Lists,” which is now out in paperback.
Uncle Cliff (“Treatise on Comfy Blankets” p. 78) said he only needed a place to stay for a couple nights, but that was six months ago. Someone needs to talk to him and see what’s up. Word of warning: Dude was an ECW wrestler.
Ed. Note: The above articles only appear behind the Minutiæ paywall. Please drop a fifty dollar bill into the magazine and stick it in a mail box. Allow 4 — 6 weeks for processing.