by Danny Cohen
Hello, all. My name is Holly Gabnit, and I am Vice President, Chief Compliance Officer, General Counsel, and Secretary of Billitt Firearms, an American tradition since 1861. In the past two months, sales of fine Fillitt pistols, rifles, handguns and advance firearms have increased tenfold. There’s been a lot of misinformation about Billitt and our Owner & CEO H.J. Butterfoot and we needed a platform to espouse our ideas. Minutiæ was the perfect fit to let the world know about Billitt’s commitment not only to quality superior firearms, but to a superior quality of life for all Americans, so we’d like to clear up what Mr. Butterfoot meant by some of his recent comments.
When Mr. Butterfoot said that “only those without strong wills or the support of the Almighty Christian Lord could be hurt by our Quad Barreled Power Shotgun,” he was talking about the fine craftsmanship and performance of our new Quad Barreled Power Shotguns. The high-bore pump action steel firearm weighs under five pounds, but features front and rear sights, four barrels, and a loose trigger that makes it ideal for hunting, neighborhood protection or just walking around.
Last month, while at a luncheon in Fairfax, VA for American manufacturers, Mr. Butterfoot spoke enthusiastically about our 12mm pressurized hollow point ammunition when he said “[the] queer's skin is thinner as to be punctured and penetrated by the weakest of bullets. Each and every ‘Sunday Susan Dandy’ knows as such as they go about protoculating [sic] with each other.” Mr. Butterfoot more precisely meant that the new ammunition is a useful tool for law enforcement in the face of growing socio-political dangers both at home and abroad.
At our annual shareholders meeting in January, Mr. Butterfoot did in fact say “[that] these sodomites are all over our television screens, in our movies, teaching our children and fapulatting [sic] in our barracks while that [African American] Muslim sits back and flashes his big [primate smile],” but he meant that Billitt is excited to serve our current customers as well as welcome newcomers to experience the high standard of Billitt manufacturing.
Finally, we’d like to clarify what Mr. Butterfoot’s statement while appearing as a guest celebrity judge on NBC’s Poke or Slurp. What Mr. Butterfoot meant was that Billitt Firearms is an American institution founded by Herman Butterfoot Sr. shortly after the beginning of the Civil War, Billitt has seen this country through good times and bad, and has always been there for its citizens. What was heard, though, was “queer wobbletuck on the high. Bing rababulated upon wikkity [skull].” Sage advice that Billitt Firearms follows to this very day.