Minutiæ



Friction7.14

Department of Salutations — Friction

by

norfolkrenoirWhat up, world? This is your boy Norfolk Renoir here. If you’re like me, you’re a 24 year old Stanford grad, living in San Francisco, and having a hard time meeting women. It’s just, like, so hard to approach women and act cordial. That’s why I created ShUGH, a revolutionary dating app that takes all the friction out of social interactions.

We recently got a round of angel investing from Yucatan XV who we pitched to at their relaunch party where they rented out the entire Freedom Tower. They were so impressed with our new vision for internet dating that they dropped $30 million in offshore cash to help us get started. So, we got a huge new SoMa office that used to be a homeless shelter, hired 300 employees to get our company off the ground, and was handed Minutiæ Publishing as a platform to talk about ShUGH (which stands for Show Up, Get Hard).

shughlogoAnd this issue of Minutiæ, Friction, is the perfect time to talk about our disruptive dating app ShUGH. Doesn’t it suck to have to put in the work of getting to know someone before showing up to get down? Doesn’t it suck to have to fake some kind of interest in someone before showing up to get down? Doesn’t it really suck to have to put in the minimal effort of today’s ‘swipe left’ society before showing up to get down? YES! It totally sucks. And that’s what I learned at Stanford in Sociopath Club.

So let’s step through how ShUGH works. As soon as you open up the app, it uses geolocation to find willing partners in your area (all of whom who have agreed to leave the door unlocked). Then the sophisticated sexual algo-“rhythm” matches you up with a perfect vessel for your genitals. After that, you just have to Show Up and Get Hard.

A lot of folks have been using hashtags to attack ShUGH. Tags like #DisgustingTechBros, #MonstersOfTheInternet, #NotRapeButStillBad, and #JustLockYourDoors. To all of those lamers out there, I say you have no idea how great using ShUGH can be. It takes away all the natural and healthy anxiety of meeting someone, getting to know them, appreciating them as a human being, caring about their well being, and having the act of sex be more than an exchange of thrusting organs. It’s too much! So, get on ShUGH, and make sure to get those in-app freemium upgrades like No STDs, White Girls Only, and Send Roses (a concierge service that will have roses waiting for you at home after you have sex with a nameless body).

Y’all, the future is sweet, as sweet as ShUGH.✦