Minutiæ



Friction7.14

Department of Salutations — Friction

by

norfolkrenoirWhat up, world? This is your boy Nor­folk Renoir here. If you’re like me, you’re a 24 year old Stan­ford grad, liv­ing in San Fran­cis­co, and hav­ing a hard time meet­ing women. It’s just, like, so hard to approach women and act cor­dial. That’s why I cre­at­ed ShUGH, a rev­o­lu­tion­ary dat­ing app that takes all the fric­tion out of social inter­ac­tions.

We recent­ly got a round of angel invest­ing from Yucatan XV who we pitched to at their relaunch par­ty where they rent­ed out the entire Free­dom Tow­er. They were so impressed with our new vision for inter­net dat­ing that they dropped $30 mil­lion in off­shore cash to help us get start­ed. So, we got a huge new SoMa office that used to be a home­less shel­ter, hired 300 employ­ees to get our com­pa­ny off the ground, and was hand­ed Minu­tiæ Pub­lish­ing as a plat­form to talk about ShUGH (which stands for Show Up, Get Hard).

shughlogoAnd this issue of Minu­tiæ, Fric­tion, is the per­fect time to talk about our dis­rup­tive dat­ing app ShUGH. Doesn’t it suck to have to put in the work of get­ting to know some­one before show­ing up to get down? Doesn’t it suck to have to fake some kind of inter­est in some­one before show­ing up to get down? Doesn’t it real­ly suck to have to put in the min­i­mal effort of today’s ‘swipe left’ soci­ety before show­ing up to get down? YES! It total­ly sucks. And that’s what I learned at Stan­ford in Sociopath Club.

So let’s step through how ShUGH works. As soon as you open up the app, it uses geolo­ca­tion to find will­ing part­ners in your area (all of whom who have agreed to leave the door unlocked). Then the sophis­ti­cat­ed sex­u­al algo-“rhythm” match­es you up with a per­fect ves­sel for your gen­i­tals. After that, you just have to Show Up and Get Hard.

A lot of folks have been using hash­tags to attack ShUGH. Tags like #Dis­gust­ingTech­Bros, #Mon­ster­sOfT­heIn­ter­net, #NotRape­But­Still­Bad, and #Just­Lock­Y­our­Doors. To all of those lamers out there, I say you have no idea how great using ShUGH can be. It takes away all the nat­ur­al and healthy anx­i­ety of meet­ing some­one, get­ting to know them, appre­ci­at­ing them as a human being, car­ing about their well being, and hav­ing the act of sex be more than an exchange of thrust­ing organs. It’s too much! So, get on ShUGH, and make sure to get those in-app freemi­um upgrades like No STDs, White Girls Only, and Send Ros­es (a concierge ser­vice that will have ros­es wait­ing for you at home after you have sex with a name­less body).

Y’all, the future is sweet, as sweet as ShUGH.✦