by Joe Saunders
Karen Bills (“Movie Reviews,” p. 12) was voted “Youngest Film Critic of the Year” at the 2010 Society of Film Critics Awards.
Sandy Jones (“Wrong Way, Doggie,” p. 18) has been contributing to this magazine since 2009 and is most famously known for her tight bod.
Davis Treem (“You Talking To Me?” p. 22) is a recent graduate of Florida State University and someone on the magazine staff's step brother. We're not sure whose exactly. But definitely someone's.
Jim Jarook (“The Lion's Laughter,” p. 25) is the former Washington bureau chief for the New York Times. He was fired from that job for, let's just say, loving a little too much.
Tim Taylor (“More Power,” p. 31) is the host of the cable home improvement show, “Tool Time.”
Sam Chan (“Thanks For the Drink,” p. 32) is not a particularly good journalist or writer — he just got lucky early on in his career and hasn't stopped being lucky. Unfortunately, his luck's about to run out.
Jon Laar (“To Be Determined,” p. 40) is an author and the veteran of four wars — two that have already happened, and two that haven't happened… yet.
Beth Armstrong (“Fwak Blarr,” p. 72) has never written or even read anything anywhere before.
Rebecca Connors (“Accurate Polls,” p. 43) is like a dream. She's smart, kind, and beautiful. So, so, so beautiful. Jeez, why didn't I make a move when I had the chance? Like when we were at her kid’s funeral in Houston. Oh, that was purrrrrrfect. But now it's too late. Hey, wait up. Hold the bus!
Michael Epson (“I Love You, Me,” p. 49) is such a giant piece of shit that it makes me sick. I wish this guy would do us all a favor and just die.
Karl Boner (“The Last Word,” p. 53) is the son of two of the above contributors. But not the two you're thinking of. Wait, you were thinking of those two? Oh, then you're right. Never mind. Go back to bed.
Steve Kelly (“You Know It, Baby,” p. 54) is often referred to as “the fifth Beatle.” He has never been called this by Paul McCartney or Ringo Starr — only by John Lennon and George Harrison. And we all know what happened to them.
Chris O'Reilly (“The Man With The Plan in Japan,” p. 62) has murdered someone. He won't say where or when or who. But he did it. And he'll never be caught for it. The one thing he will say about it is this — it doesn't feel like you think it would.
Larry Little (“Larry Little,” p. 80) is the author of the book “Larry Little,” which will be published by Larry Little Press in April of next Larry Little.
Karen Bills (“This Machine Kills Rashes,” p. 88) is not the same Karen Bills as the woman who wrote the earlier movie review. This is the white Karen Bills.
Steven Spielberg (“Shut Your Fat Face, You Stupid Bitch,” p. 90) is the Oscar-winning director of over 40 films, including “E.T.” and “Schindler's List.”
Banana (“What the Doctor Did To Me,” p. 93) is a banana. To be absolutely clear, he is not able to talk and can only do things a normal banana can do. He is just a really talented banana.
Jennifer Kern (“Read Now, Important!,” p. 112) is a graduate of Emory University and the author of several critically acclaimed novels and thinks the other contributors shouldn't have such weird bios. Hey, wait up! That’s my bus! Wait! Geez. Now I have to walk to dinner. What’s this guy’s name again? Craig? Graig? I don’t know why I let Linda set me up on these things. Oh, wait, this isn’t a phone, it’s a computer. Classic Jennifer… ♦
Ed. Note: None of these articles will appear outside of the Minutiæ: Gilded Edition.
The stores that sell this edition aren’t even visible to your lower class spectrum of vision.