Minutiæ

Karen Bills (“Movie Reviews,” p. 12) was voted “Youngest Film Critic of the Year” at the 2010 Soci­ety of Film Crit­ics Awards.

Sandy Jones (“Wrong Way, Dog­gie,” p. 18) has been con­tribut­ing to this mag­a­zine since 2009 and is most famously known for her tight bod.

Davis Treem (“You Talk­ing To Me?” p. 22) is a recent grad­u­ate of Florida State Uni­ver­sity and some­one on the mag­a­zine staff’s step brother. We’re not sure whose exactly. But def­i­nitely someone’s.

Jim Jarook (“The Lion’s Laugh­ter,” p. 25) is the for­mer Wash­ing­ton bureau chief for the New York Times. He was fired from that job for, let’s just say, lov­ing a lit­tle too much.

Tim Tay­lor (“More Power,” p. 31) is the host of the cable home improve­ment show, “Tool Time.”

Sam Chan (“Thanks For the Drink,” p. 32) is not a par­tic­u­larly good jour­nal­ist or writer – he just got lucky early on in his career and hasn’t stopped being lucky. Unfor­tu­nately, his luck’s about to run out.

Jon Laar (“To Be Deter­mined,” p. 40) is an author and the vet­eran of four wars – two that have already hap­pened, and two that haven’t hap­pened… yet.

Beth Arm­strong (“Fwak Blarr,” p. 72) has never writ­ten or even read any­thing any­where before.

Rebecca Con­nors (“Accu­rate Polls,” p. 43) is like a dream. She’s smart, kind, and beau­ti­ful. So, so, so beau­ti­ful. Jeez, why didn’t I make a move when I had the chance? Like when we were at her kid’s funeral in Hous­ton. Oh, that was purrrrrr­fect. But now it’s too late. Hey, wait up. Hold the bus!

Michael Epson (“I Love You, Me,” p. 49) is such a giant piece of shit that it makes me sick. I wish this guy would do us all a favor and just die.

Karl Boner (“The Last Word,” p. 53) is the son of two of the above con­trib­u­tors. But not the two you’re think­ing of. Wait, you were think­ing of those two? Oh, then you’re right. Never mind. Go back to bed.

Steve Kelly (“You Know It, Baby,” p. 54) is often referred to as “the fifth Bea­tle.” He has never been called this by Paul McCart­ney or Ringo Starr – only by John Lennon and George Har­ri­son. And we all know what hap­pened to them.

Chris O’Reilly (“The Man With The Plan in Japan,” p. 62) has mur­dered some­one. He won’t say where or when or who. But he did it. And he’ll never be caught for it. The one thing he will say about it is this – it doesn’t feel like you think it would.

Larry Lit­tle (“Larry Lit­tle,” p. 80) is the author of the book “Larry Lit­tle,” which will be pub­lished by Larry Lit­tle Press in April of next Larry Little.

Karen Bills (“This Machine Kills Rashes,” p. 88) is not the same Karen Bills as the woman who wrote the ear­lier movie review. This is the white Karen Bills.

Steven Spiel­berg (“Shut Your Fat Face, You Stu­pid Bitch,” p. 90) is the Oscar-winning direc­tor of over 40 films, includ­ing “E.T.” and “Schindler’s List.”

Banana (“What the Doc­tor Did To Me,” p. 93) is a banana. To be absolutely clear, he is not able to talk and can only do things a nor­mal banana can do. He is just a really tal­ented banana.

Jen­nifer Kern (“Read Now, Impor­tant!,” p. 112) is a grad­u­ate of Emory Uni­ver­sity and the author of sev­eral crit­i­cally acclaimed nov­els and thinks the other con­trib­u­tors shouldn’t have such weird bios. Hey, wait up! That’s my bus! Wait! Geez. Now I have to walk to din­ner. What’s this guy’s name again? Craig? Graig? I don’t know why I let Linda set me up on these things. Oh, wait, this isn’t a phone, it’s a com­puter. Clas­sic Jen­nifer… ✦

Ed. Note: None of these arti­cles will appear out­side of the Minu­tiæ: Gilded Edi­tion.
The stores that sell this edi­tion aren’t even vis­i­ble to your lower class spec­trum of vision.