Minutiæ



Fairness1.70

Contributors — Fairness

by

Karen Bills (“Movie Reviews,” p. 12) was vot­ed “Youngest Film Crit­ic of the Year” at the 2010 Soci­ety of Film Crit­ics Awards.

Sandy Jones (“Wrong Way, Dog­gie,” p. 18) has been con­tribut­ing to this mag­a­zine since 2009 and is most famous­ly known for her tight bod.

Davis Treem (“You Talk­ing To Me?” p. 22) is a recent grad­u­ate of Flori­da State Uni­ver­si­ty and some­one on the mag­a­zine staff’s step broth­er. We’re not sure whose exact­ly. But def­i­nite­ly someone’s.

Jim Jarook (“The Lion’s Laugh­ter,” p. 25) is the for­mer Wash­ing­ton bureau chief for the New York Times. He was fired from that job for, let’s just say, lov­ing a lit­tle too much.

Tim Tay­lor (“More Pow­er,” p. 31) is the host of the cable home improve­ment show, “Tool Time.”

Sam Chan (“Thanks For the Drink,” p. 32) is not a par­tic­u­lar­ly good jour­nal­ist or writer — he just got lucky ear­ly on in his career and hasn’t stopped being lucky. Unfor­tu­nate­ly, his luck’s about to run out.

Jon Laar (“To Be Deter­mined,” p. 40) is an author and the vet­er­an of four wars — two that have already hap­pened, and two that haven’t hap­pened… yet.

Beth Arm­strong (“Fwak Blarr,” p. 72) has nev­er writ­ten or even read any­thing any­where before.

Rebec­ca Con­nors (“Accu­rate Polls,” p. 43) is like a dream. She’s smart, kind, and beau­ti­ful. So, so, so beau­ti­ful. Jeez, why didn’t I make a move when I had the chance? Like when we were at her kid’s funer­al in Hous­ton. Oh, that was purrrrrr­fect. But now it’s too late. Hey, wait up. Hold the bus!

Michael Epson (“I Love You, Me,” p. 49) is such a giant piece of shit that it makes me sick. I wish this guy would do us all a favor and just die.

Karl Bon­er (“The Last Word,” p. 53) is the son of two of the above con­trib­u­tors. But not the two you’re think­ing of. Wait, you were think­ing of those two? Oh, then you’re right. Nev­er mind. Go back to bed.

Steve Kel­ly (“You Know It, Baby,” p. 54) is often referred to as “the fifth Bea­t­le.” He has nev­er been called this by Paul McCart­ney or Ringo Starr — only by John Lennon and George Har­ri­son. And we all know what hap­pened to them.

Chris O’Reilly (“The Man With The Plan in Japan,” p. 62) has mur­dered some­one. He won’t say where or when or who. But he did it. And he’ll nev­er be caught for it. The one thing he will say about it is this — it doesn’t feel like you think it would.

Lar­ry Lit­tle (“Lar­ry Lit­tle,” p. 80) is the author of the book “Lar­ry Lit­tle,” which will be pub­lished by Lar­ry Lit­tle Press in April of next Lar­ry Lit­tle.

Karen Bills (“This Machine Kills Rash­es,” p. 88) is not the same Karen Bills as the woman who wrote the ear­li­er movie review. This is the white Karen Bills.

Steven Spiel­berg (“Shut Your Fat Face, You Stu­pid Bitch,” p. 90) is the Oscar-win­ning direc­tor of over 40 films, includ­ing “E.T.” and “Schindler’s List.”

Banana (“What the Doc­tor Did To Me,” p. 93) is a banana. To be absolute­ly clear, he is not able to talk and can only do things a nor­mal banana can do. He is just a real­ly tal­ent­ed banana.

Jen­nifer Kern (“Read Now, Impor­tant!,” p. 112) is a grad­u­ate of Emory Uni­ver­si­ty and the author of sev­er­al crit­i­cal­ly acclaimed nov­els and thinks the oth­er con­trib­u­tors shouldn’t have such weird bios. Hey, wait up! That’s my bus! Wait! Geez. Now I have to walk to din­ner. What’s this guy’s name again? Craig? Graig? I don’t know why I let Lin­da set me up on these things. Oh, wait, this isn’t a phone, it’s a com­put­er. Clas­sic Jen­nifer…

Ed. Note: None of these arti­cles will appear out­side of the Minu­tiæ: Gild­ed Edi­tion.
The stores that sell this edi­tion aren’t even vis­i­ble to your low­er class spec­trum of vision.