Department of Salutations — Fairness



My name is Fred P. Jack­son and I am the Vice Pres­i­dent of Emerg­ing Mar­kets of Test­ing Sys­tems, the pre­mier stan­dard­ized test­ing com­pa­ny in the Unit­ed States today. When the good peo­ple at TARK decid­ed to unload some of its sub­sidiaries because of cor­po­rate tax eva­sion, we quick­ly snapped up Minu­tiæ Pub­lish­ing and trans­formed the under uti­lized print­ing facil­i­ties into teach­ing tool fac­to­ries! That’s crit­i­cal for the huge expan­sion that Test­ing Sys­tems is going through at the moment.

The theme for Minu­ti­ae this month, Fair­ness, is espe­cial­ly impor­tant to us here at Test­ing Sys­tems. We want to make sure that each and every stu­dent gets the fair chance to excel, and we are intro­duc­ing some very excit­ing new pro­grams and tools to help with that, because we have to do every­thing we can for our most impor­tant nat­ur­al resource extrac­tors: chil­dren! And what bet­ter way to serve the kids of today than by pro­vid­ing the kids of yes­ter­day tools to teach and excel? None. There is no bet­ter way.

There­fore, it’s impor­tant that schools use all the great tools avail­able to them. Has a teacher only used the Test­ing Sys­tems Latex-Free Chalk on the spe­cial Test­ing Sys­tem Latex-Required Chalk Boards? Are the stu­dents well versed in Test­ing Sys­tems’ clas­sic Base Eight math cur­ricu­lum? Are they able to hold the spe­cial Test­ing Sys­tems Thin #3 Pen­cils? These are impor­tant cri­te­ria to hold our schools to if we are ever going to get back into the space race against the Chi­nese and their ever-thin­ning pencils.

Test­ing Sys­tems also wants to make sure that busy prin­ci­pals are doing their best as well. School admin­is­tra­tors don’t have time to walk into every class­room, so our excit­ing Test­ing Ana­lyt­i­cal soft­ware lets them do it from afar. Now admin­is­tra­tors can stay con­nect­ed, be it down­town while they make a deal to bring nutri­tious Test­ing Sys­tems lunch­es to each and every stu­dent, or from the beach­es of Maui at Test­ing Sys­tems’ annu­al sem­i­nars for prin­ci­pals and super­in­ten­dents. So many choic­es can be boiled down to read­ing a sim­ple graph and say­ing, “is that chart line going up?” (The Test­ing Sys­tems Ana­lyt­ics soft­ware fea­ture only one sim­ple graph, with slide flute audio feed­back for stu­dent performance).

In fact, Test­ing Sys­tems CEO Lance How­ell just returned from Wash­ing­ton, DC where he met with top Pen­ta­gon offi­cials in hopes of serv­ing the edu­ca­tion­al needs of our proud armed forces. What bet­ter way to pre­pare our men and women for the rig­ors of war than with stan­dard­ized tests, Test­ing Sys­tems brand Steamed Piz­za Lunch­es, and the thinnest pen­cils proud­ly shipped to the USA? None. There is no bet­ter way. So, please sit down, eyes for­ward, put on your patent­ed Test­ing Sys­tems Test Tak­ing Blind­ers and get ready for the excit­ing world of Minutiæ! ♦