Department of Salutations — Fairness
by Danny Cohen
My name is Fred P. Jackson and I am the Vice President of Emerging Markets of Testing Systems, the premier standardized testing company in the United States today. When the good people at TARK decided to unload some of its subsidiaries because of corporate tax evasion, we quickly snapped up Minutiæ Publishing and transformed the under utilized printing facilities into teaching tool factories! That’s critical for the huge expansion that Testing Systems is going through at the moment.
The theme for Minutiae this month, Fairness, is especially important to us here at Testing Systems. We want to make sure that each and every student gets the fair chance to excel, and we are introducing some very exciting new programs and tools to help with that, because we have to do everything we can for our most important natural resource extractors: children! And what better way to serve the kids of today than by providing the kids of yesterday tools to teach and excel? None. There is no better way.
Therefore, it’s important that schools use all the great tools available to them. Has a teacher only used the Testing Systems Latex-Free Chalk on the special Testing System Latex-Required Chalk Boards? Are the students well versed in Testing Systems’ classic Base Eight math curriculum? Are they able to hold the special Testing Systems Thin #3 Pencils? These are important criteria to hold our schools to if we are ever going to get back into the space race against the Chinese and their ever-thinning pencils.
Testing Systems also wants to make sure that busy principals are doing their best as well. School administrators don’t have time to walk into every classroom, so our exciting Testing Analytical software lets them do it from afar. Now administrators can stay connected, be it downtown while they make a deal to bring nutritious Testing Systems lunches to each and every student, or from the beaches of Maui at Testing Systems’ annual seminars for principals and superintendents. So many choices can be boiled down to reading a simple graph and saying, “is that chart line going up?” (The Testing Systems Analytics software feature only one simple graph, with slide flute audio feedback for student performance).
In fact, Testing Systems CEO Lance Howell just returned from Washington, DC where he met with top Pentagon officials in hopes of serving the educational needs of our proud armed forces. What better way to prepare our men and women for the rigors of war than with standardized tests, Testing Systems brand Steamed Pizza Lunches, and the thinnest pencils proudly shipped to the USA? None. There is no better way. So, please sit down, eyes forward, put on your patented Testing Systems Test Taking Blinders and get ready for the exciting world of Minutiæ! ♦