Broadvisial — 1965


With the world around us a terrifying landscape of riots and war it is my advice that the American public stay indoors and turn on their televisions for the new fall line-up.  It is our God-Given right as Americans to enjoy a relaxing evening. Yes, I said it was our God-Given right! And if anyone tells you otherwise, they are a Communist!

Green Acres
This television show takes two classically wealthy city dwellers and throws them on a farm where they have to try and survive amongst livestock and country bumpkins. While the husband tries to adjust to his surroundings, the wife, a true American, vows to never give up her old lifestyle. Eva Gabor shines as a beacon of classic wealth amongst the pig squalor. The nod to vaudevillian slapstick comedy makes this show a necessary watch.

My Mother, the Car
In this wacky situational comedy, Attorney David Crabtree purchases an automobile that contains the soul of his deceased mother and the spirit of America’s automotive progress! Crabtree, played by Jerry Van Dyke, brother to America's favorite Cockney actor Dick Van Dyke, shines as a lovable scamp whose goal is to provide the best for his family. The car, a 1928 classic Porter touring car, voiced by Ann Sothern (a Broadway beauty) brings a touch of class and sophistication to the role. This relatable family is sure to survive for many television seasons! A talking car! What will red-blooded Americans think of next?

This animated cooking show is hosted by the chef I.Y. Yunioshi. Yunioshi is voiced by Mickey Rooney, reprising his classic role as the Asian character from Breakfast at Tiffany's, focusing on making meals for the whole family. In my opinion, Rooney kills as usual playing the role of the Asian cook. However, I feel the show has too much Chinese food in it, and I suspect this is probably a propaganda message from the Hollywood Communist Elite. Rooney hilariously ends the show with this review for each dish, “It good, but not good as Chicken Flied Lice!”. The same could be said about the show, Mr. Yunioshi.

This show and all other outer space or futuristic shows are completely unrealistic. This world would never happen. Where are the class lines? Where is the old wealth? Where are the classic cars? You can't tell me that, in the future, they aren't going to drive Cadillac Sedans! Those things are beauts and will never go out of style. Plus, there were way too many references in this show to the lesser “Thunderbirds” giving up all for the “Greater Good”. Hey, space! Why don’t you take a walk over to China and give them back their Communism.

Nihilism Unplugged
This Do-it-Yourself low-frequency pirate show focuses on starting your own protests and riots. Starring two awful hippies, Ron “Sloppy” Slopaski and Trent Rosenhart, the show confuses discussions on civil rights with a sincere need to point out why the Chinese are a bunch of bananas. And call me patriotric, but aren’t there some Communist undertones here? You can “Marx” me down as a big No “Tank” You.

CBS News presents RhinoVision
CBS, a worldwide leader in technological innovation, has done it again. The everyday news is filled with visions and sounds of terror on our streets, threatening the well being of proud White Americans. Instead of showing us images of violence, RhinoVision lets the anchors describe the smells of the news, leaving any images up to your own imagination. And if you are a good American, your imagination shouldn't be that frightening.

Handsome Man Walter Cronkite says of his decision to anchor the show, “After announcing the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, I would do anything to get out of the disturbing news game.” On the first broadcast Cronkite stated “In Vietnam they report the smells of smoke, gunpowder, burning oak, and singed skin.” How’s that for terror, eh, Communism? Put down your triangle hats and come out with your hands up. Uncle Sam’s got a present for you and it stinks.

Remember, readers, if someone tells you that they don't agree with the tenets of America, send their name and address on a self-addressed sealed envelope to:

Minutiæ Magazine
687 9th Ave
New York, NY 10036

And remember to stay indoors and enjoy the red-blooded entertainment that is television!♦