Minutiæ

With the world around us a ter­ri­fy­ing land­scape of riots and war it is my advice that the Amer­i­can pub­lic stay indoors and turn on their tele­vi­sions for the new fall line-up.  It is our God-Giv­en right as Amer­i­cans to enjoy a relax­ing evening. Yes, I said it was our God-Giv­en right! And if any­one tells you oth­er­wise, they are a Communist!

Green Acres
This tele­vi­sion show takes two clas­si­cal­ly wealthy city dwellers and throws them on a farm where they have to try and sur­vive amongst live­stock and coun­try bump­kins. While the hus­band tries to adjust to his sur­round­ings, the wife, a true Amer­i­can, vows to nev­er give up her old lifestyle. Eva Gabor shines as a bea­con of clas­sic wealth amongst the pig squalor. The nod to vaude­vil­lian slap­stick com­e­dy makes this show a nec­es­sary watch.

My Moth­er, the Car
In this wacky sit­u­a­tion­al com­e­dy, Attor­ney David Crab­tree pur­chas­es an auto­mo­bile that con­tains the soul of his deceased moth­er and the spir­it of Amer­i­ca’s auto­mo­tive progress! Crab­tree, played by Jer­ry Van Dyke, broth­er to Amer­i­ca’s favorite Cock­ney actor Dick Van Dyke, shines as a lov­able scamp whose goal is to pro­vide the best for his fam­i­ly. The car, a 1928 clas­sic Porter tour­ing car, voiced by Ann Soth­ern (a Broad­way beau­ty) brings a touch of class and sophis­ti­ca­tion to the role. This relat­able fam­i­ly is sure to sur­vive for many tele­vi­sion sea­sons! A talk­ing car! What will red-blood­ed Amer­i­cans think of next?

Chop-Suey
This ani­mat­ed cook­ing show is host­ed by the chef I.Y. Yunioshi. Yunioshi is voiced by Mick­ey Rooney, repris­ing his clas­sic role as the Asian char­ac­ter from Break­fast at Tiffany’s, focus­ing on mak­ing meals for the whole fam­i­ly. In my opin­ion, Rooney kills as usu­al play­ing the role of the Asian cook. How­ev­er, I feel the show has too much Chi­nese food in it, and I sus­pect this is prob­a­bly a pro­pa­gan­da mes­sage from the Hol­ly­wood Com­mu­nist Élite. Rooney hilar­i­ous­ly ends the show with this review for each dish, “It good, but not good as Chick­en Flied Lice!”. The same could be said about the show, Mr. Yunioshi.

Thun­der­birds
This show and all oth­er out­er space or futur­is­tic shows are com­plete­ly unre­al­is­tic. This world would nev­er hap­pen. Where are the class lines? Where is the old wealth? Where are the clas­sic cars? You can’t tell me that, in the future, they aren’t going to dri­ve Cadil­lac Sedans! Those things are beauts and will nev­er go out of style. Plus, there were way too many ref­er­ences in this show to the less­er “Thun­der­birds” giv­ing up all for the “Greater Good”. Hey, space! Why don’t you take a walk over to Chi­na and give them back their Communism.

Nihilism Unplugged
This Do-it-Your­self low-fre­quen­cy pirate show focus­es on start­ing your own protests and riots. Star­ring two awful hip­pies, Ron “Slop­py” Slopas­ki and Trent Rosen­hart, the show con­fus­es dis­cus­sions on civ­il rights with a sin­cere need to point out why the Chi­nese are a bunch of bananas. And call me patri­otric, but aren’t there some Com­mu­nist under­tones here? You can “Marx” me down as a big No “Tank” You.

CBS News presents RhinoVision
CBS, a world­wide leader in tech­no­log­i­cal inno­va­tion, has done it again. The every­day news is filled with visions and sounds of ter­ror on our streets, threat­en­ing the well being of proud White Amer­i­cans. Instead of show­ing us images of vio­lence, Rhi­no­Vi­sion lets the anchors describe the smells of the news, leav­ing any images up to your own imag­i­na­tion. And if you are a good Amer­i­can, your imag­i­na­tion should­n’t be that frightening.

Hand­some Man Wal­ter Cronkite says of his deci­sion to anchor the show, “After announc­ing the assas­si­na­tion of Pres­i­dent John F. Kennedy, I would do any­thing to get out of the dis­turb­ing news game.” On the first broad­cast Cronkite stat­ed “In Viet­nam they report the smells of smoke, gun­pow­der, burn­ing oak, and singed skin.” How’s that for ter­ror, eh, Com­mu­nism? Put down your tri­an­gle hats and come out with your hands up. Uncle Sam’s got a present for you and it stinks.

Remem­ber, read­ers, if some­one tells you that they don’t agree with the tenets of Amer­i­ca, send their name and address on a self-addressed sealed enve­lope to:

Minu­tiæ Magazine
687 9th Ave
New York, NY 10036

And remem­ber to stay indoors and enjoy the red-blood­ed enter­tain­ment that is television!♦