Department of Salutations — Safety


Hi there. My name is Arthur Windsor III and I am the Senior Public Relations Advisor at Knoxbeecher, a leading technology company in Fairfax, VA. You may have heard our name, but cannot recall work. Maybe this’ll help: In 1957, we revolutionized the lightbulb with fluorescent technology. In 1992, our microwave satellites were being used by SETI to help listen for life out in space. And in 2008, Knoxbeecher was proud to have the largest fleet of unmanned drones flying in the Middle East for the United States Army, dropping an average of one bomb per minute to protect the US and her interests.

Recently, we acquired Minutiæ Publishing in a federal auction after the previous holders had to liquidate their assets. We were happy to acquire Minutiæ Publishing’s vast blank paper holdings to help in our white paper publishing; It is really cheap paper. Still, we’re excited that this month Minutiæ is focusing on Safety, one of our highest priorities, as we continue to develop an array of defense weaponry for the Department of Defense.

Our next project is “Project White Cloud,” a SCUD Missile with a heart of gold. It knows better than we do. That being said, we understand the inherent danger in creating a weapon with an artificial intelligence that is capable of calculating targets by itself. That’s why we have a plucky 14 year-old boy on staff at all times in case WarGames happens. Only the mind of a plucky 14 year-old boy is capable of coming up with a solution that neither our own PhD scientists, nor the highly qualified members of the U.S. Military could ever fathom. This teenager is replaced in each summer of every year with another 14 year-old boy to ensure that he will be able to undermine our entire security set-up, defeat the hyper intelligent sentient missile, and then resign to a life with his tomboy love interest (also recruited on a seasonal basis).

The young couple will have a few good years together before he goes off to college while she stays in town to work at the junk yard with her aging father who is quickly going blind. Things will be rough until they are reunited once again when a future errant mistake of ours, most likely the upcoming “Project Whisperthought,” is intent on destroying all of mankind. He, with the renewed support of his love interest, will defeat “Project Whisperthought” and decide to move back home where they will marry and settle down. Years later, Knoxbeecher’s planned “Project Eternal Dionysus,” will threaten the world once more. This time, along with their own plucky 14 year-old son, they will once and for all put an end to our destructive nature.

Needless to say, Knoxbeecher has thought of everything, and we’re very excited for the future of protecting both you and this great country of ours (Ed. note, please don’t read preceding sentence if you are not a US Citizen). ♦