Minutiæ

Hi there. My name is Arthur Wind­sor III and I am the Senior Pub­lic Rela­tions Advi­sor at Knoxbeecher, a lead­ing tech­nol­ogy com­pany in Fair­fax, VA. You may have heard our name, but can­not recall work. Maybe this’ll help: In 1957, we rev­o­lu­tion­ized the light­bulb with flu­o­res­cent tech­nol­ogy. In 1992, our microwave satel­lites were being used by SETI to help lis­ten for life out in space. And in 2008, Knoxbeecher was proud to have the largest fleet of unmanned drones fly­ing in the Mid­dle East for the United States Army, drop­ping an aver­age of one bomb per minute to pro­tect the US and her interests.

Recently, we acquired Minu­tiæ Pub­lish­ing in a fed­eral auc­tion after the pre­vi­ous hold­ers had to liq­ui­date their assets. We were happy to acquire Minu­tiæ Publishing’s vast blank paper hold­ings to help in our white paper pub­lish­ing; It is really cheap paper. Still, we’re excited that this month Minu­tiæ is focus­ing on Safety, one of our high­est pri­or­i­ties, as we con­tinue to develop an array of defense weaponry for the Depart­ment of Defense.

Our next project is “Project White Cloud,” a SCUD Mis­sile with a heart of gold. It knows bet­ter than we do. That being said, we under­stand the inher­ent dan­ger in cre­at­ing a weapon with an arti­fi­cial intel­li­gence that is capa­ble of cal­cu­lat­ing tar­gets by itself. That’s why we have a plucky 14 year-old boy on staff at all times in case WarGames hap­pens. Only the mind of a plucky 14 year-old boy is capa­ble of com­ing up with a solu­tion that nei­ther our own PhD sci­en­tists, nor the highly qual­i­fied mem­bers of the U.S. Mil­i­tary could ever fathom. This teenager is replaced in each sum­mer of every year with another 14 year-old boy to ensure that he will be able to under­mine our entire secu­rity set-up, defeat the hyper intel­li­gent sen­tient mis­sile, and then resign to a life with his tomboy love inter­est (also recruited on a sea­sonal basis).

The young cou­ple will have a few good years together before he goes off to col­lege while she stays in town to work at the junk yard with her aging father who is quickly going blind. Things will be rough until they are reunited once again when a future errant mis­take of ours, most likely the upcom­ing “Project Whis­per­thought,” is intent on destroy­ing all of mankind. He, with the renewed sup­port of his love inter­est, will defeat “Project Whis­per­thought” and decide to move back home where they will marry and set­tle down. Years later, Knoxbeecher’s planned “Project Eter­nal Diony­sus,” will threaten the world once more. This time, along with their own plucky 14 year-old son, they will once and for all put an end to our destruc­tive nature.

Need­less to say, Knoxbeecher has thought of every­thing, and we’re very excited for the future of pro­tect­ing both you and this great coun­try of ours (Ed. note, please don’t read pre­ced­ing sen­tence if you are not a US Cit­i­zen). ✦