by Camille Elizabeth Knox
Every girl knows her worst enemy is the cookie jar. The velvet noose of femaledom. The Achilles heel of being a lady. Always there to embrace you with warmth and sugar when you have no man to hold you.
Daytime television personality Christianne Van Demme shares her guide to surviving the constancy of the eternal cookie jar. Listen to her, ladies. She’s been there before.
First and foremost, always pay for your groceries in cash- and never bring enough cash to get anything but the basics. When you inevitably sacrifice a few apples for a bag of cookies, remember to buy only tasteless low-cal lemon cookies. Even you won’t want to eat these!
Of course, when you do break into these lemon-flavored bits of cardboard, try to eat only two a day- and make them last as long as possible!
When you end up eating the entirety of the citrus bricks during a late night sob-fest watching Bridget Jones… DON’T WORRY! Just go out, get drunk, and hit on the nerdiest man you can find at your corner bar. This will make you feel better — and he’ll feel better, too! Nerds are glad for any female to go out with them. Even a girl whose hips are fat with cookies. After bringing the nerd home, make this weakling your boyfriend. Do it for your future.
You should then congratulate yourself on getting a boyfriend by buying really fancy French biscuit cookies. Put them in the cookie jar. Screw the cap on tight.
When your new boyfriend is too weak to open the jar, feel free to dump him in a sugar-jonesing rage. Your angry adrenaline will fuel you enough to open and eat the entire jar.
Drunk on sugar and not thinking straight, you stumble to the store and buy some Chips Ahoy! Chunky. Go ahead and eat these as you shuffle down the street. Then fall into the good olé bar around the corner.
Drown your sorrows in a wine that pairs well with cookies; when things get hairy and you start dipping Chips Ahoy! in your Chardonnay, you may notice a pair of sympathetic hazel eyes watching you from across the pub. They’re a girl’s eyes and, trust us, that is just fine. We all have lesbian affairs from time to time — embrace it!
Bond with each other over late night snickerdoodle baking parties. Eat Italian wedding cookies in bed. Savor Oreos on cold, rainy nights by the fire. But remember: like the best Oreos, unfortunately, the affair will get stale.
You’ll realize that cookies are the only thing you have in common. And the relationship will just slowly… disappear.
You’ll fall into despair, down a spiral of self-destruction when you realize your lesbian girlfriend was the only man you ever loved. Eventually, your friends- finding you crying and covered in crumbs on your kitchen floor — encourage you to go out again for a girls’ night on the town!
You go along, unwittingly, your clubbing pants far too tight now from months of shameless eating. But, chin up! — boys love curves. And then a hot guy stares at you from across the dance floor. Encouraged by the newfound newness of heterosexuality, your confidence surges — hit on that hot tall guy at the end of the bar!
Bring him home with you! Before you sleep with him though, put the cookies you bought before your friends’ latest intervention in the cookie jar and have the boy hide the jar on the top-most shelf in your apartment. Then, ever so quickly, break it off with him before he can buy you a step-ladder.
Depressed that you broke up with the only guy who ever truly cared for you, take two Ambien to help you sleep. In the middle of the night, you will sleepwalk to the kitchen, scale the counter, climb on top of the refrigerator and, almost dying in the process, retrieve the cookie jar.
You will awake in a pool of crumbs on your kitchen floor. Again. Wiping the chocolate chips from your eyes, you take a long, soul-searching look in the mirror.
Heavier than you want to be and controlled by the feminine hormonal need for sugar, accept who you are. You are a woman. And you love cookies. It’s okay! I’ve done it myself and I still love you. ♦