2160 Minutes In… Your Own Home!
by Farley Elliott
It’s always nice to take one small family vacation right before school starts. You can hang out by the water and listen to your iPod, or go up to the mountains and send a million Goebbelgrams to your friends. That’s what vacations are all about. Except this time… your parents forgot you at home!
Since you got mad at your dad and started sleeping in the attic to get away from them for a while, your parents totally forgot to wake you up and left on that weekend trip to the lake without you. Now you’ve got the whole place to yourself! You can watch rated R movies like Laturskey: Cleveland’s Angriest Cop, eat all the ice cream in the freezer and prank call the drugstore. It’s going to be a great weekend!
WAKE & BAKE
Yawn like you’re still tired even though almost half the day is over, while you climb down from the attic and start to make your way to the kitchen. Pour half a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch ($3.29, General Mills) into a mixing bowl, open the fridge and discover that there’s no milk. Yell out for your mom like always, but instead of her annoying voice there’s only silence. Yell again. Eventually huff and walk upstairs, checking every room as you go and discovering that your parents must have left without you for the weekend. Awesome!!
Immediately turn on the oven and pull out a bag of Tater Tots ($2.79, Ore-Ida), throw them onto a pan. Pull them out just before the recommended time, so some of the tots are warm and some are still ice cold in the middle, but who cares! You’re free!
Emerge from your snack coma to realize that eight hours have gone by. Peel yourself off your parents’ Ikea Ektorp Cover 2+2 sectional sofa ($459, Ikea) and go hit the bathroom for a whizz. After all, you’ve been drinking a lot of soda.
Once you’re back in the living room, notice that it’s almost totally dark out, and a fog has descended on the neighborhood. Every house on your block is empty, because everyone’s gone to the lake for the weekend — except you! Let the feeling of that power wash over you, and use it as motivation to play video games on your parents’ big screen TV for two and a half hours straight.
THE ONE WHO KNOCKS
After hearing a knock on the front door, make a dive for the remote to turn off the Panasonic Viera 50″ Class ST60 Plasma HDTV ($1000, Panasonic) in the the master bedroom. It could be your dumb aunt who heard you got left behind and is coming over to make you eat vegetables and read books all weekend. No thanks Aunt Millie!
Crawl over to the JELD-WEN Premium Series Double Hung Windows ($759, Lowe’s) and peek out to find a stubby man in a Navy Three-Hole ski mask ($10.99, Modells.com) rolled up to his forehead, checking for signs of possible entry. Duck down before he spots you, then listen closely: there’s another rustling, this time from the back door. Scamper silently to the back and find a tall, goofy-faced burglar wearing the same rolled-up ski mask, trying to pick the lock on your back door. It’s going to be a long weekend.
VOICE YOUR DISPLEASURE
Run upstairs and grab your brother’s old toy voice modulator with built-in microphone ($7.76, punchbowl.com). You’re going to have to put that gory cop movie from earlier to good use. Run back downstairs and set up behind the couch. Click on the device and start quoting the most tough-sounding lines from the movie you can remember. “Get back, you scumbags, or I’ll pump you so full of lead you won’t be able to walk through a metal detector at the airport anymore!” is a good one to start with.
Check for their reactions. If the intruders seem frightened off, consider this a job well done. But they won’t be, so you’ll have to go with Plan B. In the meantime, toss out a few more gems from the film, like “I hate your face, Laturskey, and I’m not afraid to punch it!”
WAKEY WAKEY, EGGS & BREAKY
Jolt awake from your position on the living room floor, surrounded by tacks turned prickly-side up. You fell asleep at your post, and now the sound of shattering glass can be heard from the den. Luckily, you planned for this, and put down a thick layer of egg whites ($3.19, Better’n Eggs, Vons) under every window. Listen closely for the inevitable slip, crash and swear word. Think for a second ‘wouldn’t it be funny if it were Aunt Millie?!’ Hahahaha. But it’s not. It’s a burglar.
iPAD THE STATS
Grab the iPad your parents got you for your birthday and cue up an FPSRussia YouTube video (free, youtube.com/FPSRussia). Anything with lots of heavy machine gun fire will work, just make sure the bullets come loud, fast and often. With your Bluetooth supported Sonos PLAY:5 wireless music system ($399, Sonos.com) you can push the sound of rapid gunfire throughout the entire house — wirelessly! That should keep the thugs at bay for now. But there’s always tomorrow.
BACK TO THE ‘BOOK
A full day, and no word from the attackers. Maybe they’ve decided to attack all the other empty houses on your block instead. Update your Facebook (free*, Facebook.com) with funny emojis and posts about how dumb the robbers are, and how they couldn’t even get past your simple diversions.
Unfortunately, the bad guys can read all of these posts, because they’re using the Who Snooped? app ($2.99, Apple iTunes App Store) to peek in on your conversations. Now they’re mad, and they’re coming back.
SPORTS STAND OUTS
Slide into Kristofer’s Sports Haus (2317 N. Gage Ave.; 314−667−9810) just before it closes, then pretend to look at the jerseys way in the back. Once old man Kristofer has locked up for the night, corral all of the cardboard cutouts of famous athletes you can carry. Fold them down and slip them, one by one, under the front door. Then precariously climb up the hat rack wall to the open window above, slip out and onto the roof. Scale down the back wall, run around to the front and collect the waiting cardboard cutouts. You’re going to need them.
PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT
Guess who’s back? The tall one with the goofy face and the chubby short one. And they have some mean looks on their face. Luckily, you’ve rigged up all of the cardboard cutouts to a series of strings and pulled your dad’s Lithonia OFL floodlights ($52, lightingdirect.com) off the garage for a little backlighting. Cue up the Katy Perry and set those cutouts to dance! The confused burglars won’t stay away for long, but it’s a start.
A CLOSE SHAVE
Since you couldn’t sleep, try using your dad’s razor and Brut aftershave ($13.85 / two-pack, CVS). OWWWEEEEEEE!!!
A POWERFUL ENDING
The intruders are back for one last run at your family’s goods. If you’ve stocked up properly, your house should be outfitted with booby traps that will foil, embarrass and seriously injure them, all to great comedic effect. Let’s get to work!
First, take your Black & Decker Smart 40 Volt car charger ($99, Walmart) and hook it up to the back door. With that much amperage, the bad guys are sure to get a big jolt. But they won’t be knocked out cold, so you’ll need to modify your dad’s Falcon Safety flare gun ($22.99, falconsafety.com) to shoot a buckshot round of bb’s once they make their way inside.
While the wounded burglars recover, scamper upstairs and underneath the Rosle Kitchen Blowtorch ($62.00, Brookstone.com) that you rigged to fire when you pull a series of strings. For effect, turn on Ride of the Valkyries (Wagner, public domain) and let it play through the house. Once the burglars hit the staircase, toss down some live eels (free, any river) to slow their ascent, then pull the strings just in time to singe their stupid faces. This is going great!
FIRST, YOU MUST CONCENTRATE
Uh oh, spoke too soon. The ruddy faces of the evil burglars stood up easily to the blowtorch and now they’re right behind you. Luckily, you stole a giant bag of old oranges (behind the Vons) and dumped them out on the floor as you run, making the burglars slip and fall everywhere. Once they’re down, move in for the final act of justice. Lift up and callously drop your parents’ GE 24,000 BTU Home Air Conditioner ($699, Home Depot) on their heads. While they’re knocked out, use the 50 foot Grainger S‑Video out cable ($14.30, Grainger.com) that you got from behind the TV and tie them up good. Consider calling the police from your UnidenD1364 cordless phone ($29.99, RadioShack), but instead call Beefer, who owns Beefer’s Junk Yard, to come take these guys away.
A TALE TO TELL
Your parents walk in to find you watching Laturskey 2: Rise of A Bad Cop in their bedroom, and immediately get sent to bed without supper. Try to explain your crazy weekend, but they are having none of it. Later, when your parents finish putting everything away, they’ll find a single cardboard cutout of Charles Barkley tucked behind the couch. ♦