Department of Salutations — Progress
by Danny Cohen
Hello all, this is Todd Barbishop from TARK. We are proud to be coming up on our 50th anniversary as a premier American engineering, construction and private military contracting company. To celebrate this occasion, along with the successful completion of Fort Deliberate on the outskirts of Kabul, we’ve expanded the TARK family with a series of acquisitions that will extend the services we can provide to our unlisted clients.
After purchasing Fairfax-based Knoxbeecher for an undisclosed amount of money to obtain their self-propelling bullet patents, we analyzed and decided to keep Minutiæ Publishing, repositioning the magazine as a newsletter to our many subdivisions in the United States and abroad. It’s important that all employees of TARK are on the same page, thus the clear standardized page determination system. (We have patented this simultaneous page indication system and are proceeding with lawsuits against books.)
As such, we could not be more thrilled that the theme for this month’s issue is Progress. We have a saying at TARK which says, “Progress should not get in the way of the future.” And we’ve followed that from the day we finished building our very first SuperMax Prison, to having the insight to provide prefabricated homes to FEMA, to our colonization of the Underworld. Yes, we are very proud of our commitment to housing our nation’s pre-rehabilitated guilty.
Progress is in our very nature here at TARK. We are using a revolutionary building material and process: bricks made from the dust of the buildings that collapsed during the earthquake in Haiti. Not only are we being paid to clean up and rebuild, but we are using the Haitian dust to create new bricks at a fraction of the cost!
Now, there have been reports from WikiLeaks claiming that TARK pays Afghani warlords to terrorize our building sites in the Middle East, not only postponing their completion dates, but also insuring that we’ll be paid more for our extended contracts. However, if you were to believe that absurd fabrication (not to be confused with our subsidiary Abner’s Fabrications), you’d also have to believe that our private security subsidiary (Abner Fortiferies) is supplying these terrorist groups with training and weapons. And if you were to believe that uncanny fiction, you’d additionally have to trust the media’s reports that we’re using Haitian Dust Bricks to build public schools in districts where we’ve sabotaged the creation of magnet and charter schools.
Sounds like a lot of bedtime stories from jealous competitors that we’ve already bought and dissolved. Think of us as just a bunch of enterprising carpenters who want to build the very best in schools, military bases, prisons, VA Mental Health facilities, Area 52s, The B‑52s, and public parks with secret entrances to the Underworld. Come join us as we celebrate 50 years of simple carpentry (just like our Lord, JesÃºs) at TARK. ♦