Department of Salutations — Progress


Hel­lo all, this is Todd Bar­bi­sh­op from TARK. We are proud to be com­ing up on our 50th anniver­sary as a pre­mier Amer­i­can engi­neer­ing, con­struc­tion and pri­vate mil­i­tary con­tract­ing com­pa­ny. To cel­e­brate this occa­sion, along with the suc­cess­ful com­ple­tion of Fort Delib­er­ate on the out­skirts of Kab­ul, we’ve expand­ed the TARK fam­i­ly with a series of acqui­si­tions that will extend the ser­vices we can pro­vide to our unlist­ed clients.

After pur­chas­ing Fair­fax-based Knoxbeech­er for an undis­closed amount of mon­ey to obtain their self-pro­pelling bul­let patents, we ana­lyzed and decid­ed to keep Minu­tiæ Pub­lish­ing, repo­si­tion­ing the mag­a­zine as a newslet­ter to our many sub­di­vi­sions in the Unit­ed States and abroad. It’s impor­tant that all employ­ees of TARK are on the same page, thus the clear stan­dard­ized page deter­mi­na­tion sys­tem. (We have patent­ed this simul­ta­ne­ous page indi­ca­tion sys­tem and are pro­ceed­ing with law­suits against books.) 

As such, we could not be more thrilled that the theme for this mon­th’s issue is Progress. We have a say­ing at TARK which says, “Progress should not get in the way of the future.” And we’ve fol­lowed that from the day we fin­ished build­ing our very first Super­Max Prison, to hav­ing the insight to pro­vide pre­fab­ri­cat­ed homes to FEMA, to our col­o­niza­tion of the Under­world. Yes, we are very proud of our com­mit­ment to hous­ing our nation’s pre-reha­bil­i­tat­ed guilty.

Progress is in our very nature here at TARK. We are using a rev­o­lu­tion­ary build­ing mate­r­i­al and process: bricks made from the dust of the build­ings that col­lapsed dur­ing the earth­quake in Haiti. Not only are we being paid to clean up and rebuild, but we are using the Hait­ian dust to cre­ate new bricks at a frac­tion of the cost! 

Now, there have been reports from Wik­iLeaks claim­ing that TARK pays Afghani war­lords to ter­ror­ize our build­ing sites in the Mid­dle East, not only post­pon­ing their com­ple­tion dates, but also insur­ing that we’ll be paid more for our extend­ed con­tracts. How­ev­er, if you were to believe that absurd fab­ri­ca­tion (not to be con­fused with our sub­sidiary Abn­er’s Fab­ri­ca­tions), you’d also have to believe that our pri­vate secu­ri­ty sub­sidiary (Abn­er For­tiferies) is sup­ply­ing these ter­ror­ist groups with train­ing and weapons. And if you were to believe that uncan­ny fic­tion, you’d addi­tion­al­ly have to trust the medi­a’s reports that we’re using Hait­ian Dust Bricks to build pub­lic schools in dis­tricts where we’ve sab­o­taged the cre­ation of mag­net and char­ter schools.

Sounds like a lot of bed­time sto­ries from jeal­ous com­peti­tors that we’ve already bought and dis­solved. Think of us as just a bunch of enter­pris­ing car­pen­ters who want to build the very best in schools, mil­i­tary bases, pris­ons, VA Men­tal Health facil­i­ties, Area 52s, The B‑52s, and pub­lic parks with secret entrances to the Under­world. Come join us as we cel­e­brate 50 years of sim­ple car­pen­try (just like our Lord, Jesús) at TARK. ♦