Department of Salutations — Safety


Hi there. My name is Arthur Wind­sor III and I am the Senior Pub­lic Rela­tions Advi­sor at Knoxbeech­er, a lead­ing tech­nol­o­gy com­pa­ny in Fair­fax, VA. You may have heard our name, but can­not recall work. Maybe this’ll help: In 1957, we rev­o­lu­tion­ized the light­bulb with flu­o­res­cent tech­nol­o­gy. In 1992, our microwave satel­lites were being used by SETI to help lis­ten for life out in space. And in 2008, Knoxbeech­er was proud to have the largest fleet of unmanned drones fly­ing in the Mid­dle East for the Unit­ed States Army, drop­ping an aver­age of one bomb per minute to pro­tect the US and her interests.

Recent­ly, we acquired Minu­tiæ Pub­lish­ing in a fed­er­al auc­tion after the pre­vi­ous hold­ers had to liq­ui­date their assets. We were hap­py to acquire Minu­tiæ Pub­lish­ing’s vast blank paper hold­ings to help in our white paper pub­lish­ing; It is real­ly cheap paper. Still, we’re excit­ed that this month Minu­tiæ is focus­ing on Safe­ty, one of our high­est pri­or­i­ties, as we con­tin­ue to devel­op an array of defense weapon­ry for the Depart­ment of Defense.

Our next project is “Project White Cloud,” a SCUD Mis­sile with a heart of gold. It knows bet­ter than we do. That being said, we under­stand the inher­ent dan­ger in cre­at­ing a weapon with an arti­fi­cial intel­li­gence that is capa­ble of cal­cu­lat­ing tar­gets by itself. That’s why we have a plucky 14 year-old boy on staff at all times in case WarGames hap­pens. Only the mind of a plucky 14 year-old boy is capa­ble of com­ing up with a solu­tion that nei­ther our own PhD sci­en­tists, nor the high­ly qual­i­fied mem­bers of the U.S. Mil­i­tary could ever fath­om. This teenag­er is replaced in each sum­mer of every year with anoth­er 14 year-old boy to ensure that he will be able to under­mine our entire secu­ri­ty set-up, defeat the hyper intel­li­gent sen­tient mis­sile, and then resign to a life with his tomboy love inter­est (also recruit­ed on a sea­son­al basis).

The young cou­ple will have a few good years togeth­er before he goes off to col­lege while she stays in town to work at the junk yard with her aging father who is quick­ly going blind. Things will be rough until they are reunit­ed once again when a future errant mis­take of ours, most like­ly the upcom­ing “Project Whis­per­thought,” is intent on destroy­ing all of mankind. He, with the renewed sup­port of his love inter­est, will defeat “Project Whis­per­thought” and decide to move back home where they will mar­ry and set­tle down. Years lat­er, Knoxbeecher’s planned “Project Eter­nal Diony­sus,” will threat­en the world once more. This time, along with their own plucky 14 year-old son, they will once and for all put an end to our destruc­tive nature. 

Need­less to say, Knoxbeech­er has thought of every­thing, and we’re very excit­ed for the future of pro­tect­ing both you and this great coun­try of ours (Ed. note, please don’t read pre­ced­ing sen­tence if you are not a US Cit­i­zen). ♦