Department of Salutations — Purity


Halasha and Wel­come. I am Tina Mod­eane, Exec­u­tive Cul­ture Offi­cer at Enthe­o­ry Soap Com­pa­ny, the new own­er of Minu­tiæ Pub­lish­ing. Enthe­o­ry recent­ly pur­chased Minu­tiæ Pub­lish­ing from Bil­litt Firearms after the com­pa­ny lost finan­cial foot­ing fol­low­ing a land­mark 453 out-of-court set­tle­ments. Our plan is to bring the seren­i­ty and puri­ty of Enthe­o­ry to this glo­ri­ous jour­nal­is­tic insti­tu­tion, and also to high­light the won­der­ful prod­ucts were are going to be releas­ing in the upcom­ing Q3 2013 quar­ter. At Enthe­o­ry we have always been about cre­at­ing rev­o­lu­tion­ary soaps, lotions, and body cleans­ing acces­sories for the mod­ern person.

Our first excit­ing new prod­uct will reju­ve­nate the fin­ger­tips after the loss of feel­ing result­ing from the elec­tric­i­ty of touch screens. If you haven’t been feel­ing the effects of Fin­ger­tip Dys­ta­sia, then you haven’t been pay­ing atten­tion to your fin­ger­tips close­ly. Look at them. Now look at them. Exact­ly. You’ll want Enthe­o­ry’s Mead­ow­can­dy Soap for Fin­ger­tip Dystasia.

In line with Enthe­o­ry’s mis­sion to pro­vide prod­ucts for today’s humans, we are con­stant­ly research­ing what nor­mal humans are doing. We noticed that many busy mod­ern humans enjoy using the microwave oven to quick­ly pro­cure edi­ble food­stuffs. But, oh no, look how red those hands get from con­stant­ly pulling items out of microwaves. Palm Rosacea is a very real thing. Look at your hands. Now pull items out of microwaves for 45 min­utes straight. Now look at your hands. Exact­ly. You’ll want Enthe­o­ry Plas­tine­drop Lotion for Palm Rosacea.

When Kyle Rosskamp began Enthe­o­ry Soap Com­pa­ny in Burling­ton, Ver­mont in 1983, there was no way he could’ve seen the stag­ger­ing soap and lotion devel­op­ments the world would need, much like his inabil­i­ty to see his even­tu­al oust­ing by the board of direc­tors. Over the years we’ve com­bat­ed mod­ern dan­gers such as Skin Oxy­gena­tion, Feet Pad Wor­ry, Michael’s Dys­plex­ia, Modem Gait, Car Wheel Gripe, Cable Modem Gait, Cyn­thi­a’s Dys­plex­ia, Grun­del’s Revenge, TV Remote Gripe, Mouse Desalin­iza­tion, and Peter’s Dysplexia.

Yet, we humans have nev­er faced such a mod­ern world, and with it, a new real mod­ern dan­ger: Seat Dys­fex­ia. Sit­ting at a desk chair, dri­ving home, or tak­ing the sub­way can do dan­ger to your body’s seat. That’s why this August, Enthe­o­ry will be releas­ing Enthe­o­ry’s Con­i­cal Seat Soap. Look at your butt. Now don’t you wish you had a cone-shaped soap for your butt? Now look at your butt. Exact­ly. Enthe­o­ry’s Con­i­cal Seat Soap (avail­able in Mead­ow­can­dy and Laven­der-free vari­etals) is the per­fect mod­ern body cleans­ing acces­so­ry and we expect it to be a brand and sec­tor-defin­ing product.

As we part, please enjoy the Enthe­o­ry prod­uct-test insert in this page of Minu­tiæ, and remem­ber the three Y’s of Enthe­o­ry: Seren­i­ty, Puri­ty, and Enthe­o­ry. Halashamala and Goodbye. ♦