Department of Salutations — Purity
by Danny Cohen
Halasha and Welcome. I am Tina Modeane, Executive Culture Officer at Entheory Soap Company, the new owner of Minutiæ Publishing. Entheory recently purchased MinutiæÂ Publishing from Billitt Firearms after the company lost financial footing following a landmark 453 out-of-court settlements. Our plan is to bring the serenity and purity of Entheory to this glorious journalistic institution, and also to highlight the wonderful products were are going to be releasing in the upcoming Q3 2013 quarter. At Entheory we have always been about creating revolutionary soaps, lotions, and body cleansing accessories for the modern person.
Our first exciting new product will rejuvenate the fingertips after the loss of feeling resulting from the electricity of touch screens. If you haven’t been feeling the effects of Fingertip Dystasia, then you haven’t been paying attention to your fingertips closely. Look at them. Now look at them. Exactly. You’ll want Entheory’s Meadowcandy Soap for Fingertip Dystasia.
In line with Entheory’s mission to provide products for today’s humans, we are constantly researching what normal humans are doing. We noticed that many busy modern humans enjoy using the microwave oven to quickly procure edible foodstuffs. But, oh no, look how red those hands get from constantly pulling items out of microwaves. Palm Rosacea is a very real thing. Look at your hands. Now pull items out of microwaves for 45 minutes straight. Now look at your hands. Exactly. You’ll want Entheory Plastinedrop Lotion for Palm Rosacea.
When Kyle Rosskamp began Entheory Soap Company in Burlington, Vermont in 1983, there was no way he could’ve seen the staggering soap and lotion developments the world would need, much like his inability to see his eventual ousting by the board of directors. Over the years we’ve combated modern dangers such as Skin Oxygenation, Feet Pad Worry, Michael’s Dysplexia, Modem Gait, Car Wheel Gripe, Cable Modem Gait, Cynthia’s Dysplexia, Grundel’s Revenge, TV Remote Gripe, Mouse Desalinization, and Peter’s Dysplexia.
Yet, we humans have never faced such a modern world, and with it, a new real modern danger: Seat Dysfexia. Sitting at a desk chair, driving home, or taking the subway can do danger to your body’s seat. That’s why this August, Entheory will be releasing Entheory’s Conical Seat Soap. Look at your butt. Now don’t you wish you had a cone-shaped soap for your butt? Now look at your butt. Exactly. Entheory’s Conical Seat Soap (available in Meadowcandy and Lavender-free varietals) is the perfect modern body cleansing accessory and we expect it to be a brand and sector-defining product.
As we part, please enjoy the Entheory product-test insert in this page of Minutiæ, and remember the three Y’s of Entheory: Serenity, Purity, and Entheory. Halashamala and Goodbye. ♦