Minutiæ

The­ater

Yeah, You Could Say I’m Talk­a­tive: Humorist Nan­cy Cal­ner will be read­ing selec­tions from her late grand­moth­er’s recent­ly pub­lished diary writ­ten dur­ing Andy Warhol’s Fac­to­ry days. Not sure if you should go? Two words: sassy Nazis. (Books & Soup, June 1st, 6pm)

Bill Does The Hill: For­mer U.S. pres­i­dent Bill Clin­ton debuts his one-man show as part of this year’s Fringe Fest. In it, Clin­ton does impres­sions of all 535 mem­bers of the U.S. Con­gress, cir­ca 1997. Open mic fans have seen Bub­ba work­shop this mate­r­i­al for months and say his Arlen Specter take is “deli­cious­ly dead­ly”. Direct­ed by The Jason Alexan­der. (New The­ater, June 10th, 8pm, $8)

Dances

Honky Tonk Jam­boree: It’s time for a good old fash­ioned hoe­down. Unfor­tu­nate­ly, none of the orga­niz­ers have ever been to a “hoe­down” or even know what a “hoe­down” is, so it’ll essen­tial­ly be what they imag­ine one of these events to be like. Still, it will be good to bring a slice of coun­try fla­vor to our urban com­mu­ni­ty. But real­ly, has any­one ever been to one of these? We’re pret­ty sure they’re real things. It’s a par­ty, right? But maybe just out­side? Is there a tent involved? (June 7th, 6:30, $10 for admis­sion and mason jar for free refills on lemonade)

Sadie Hawkins: Expect the unex­pect­ed as it’s the ladies’ turn to ask the boys out at the Pierre Morel Mid­dle School’s annu­al soirée. Will Char­lotte ask Brad? Will Kim­my ask Jeff? Will Abby ask Duke Jr.? As for that last one, dear Christ, let’s hope not. Cause Duke Jr. is 42 years old and Abby’s dead. (June 6th, 7pm, $5 at the door)

Junior Prom: Oak Hill High School stu­dents are expect­ing a nor­mal prom to cap their junior year. Well, 17-year-old Lar­ry Grope has oth­er plans. And those plans include set­ting up a decoy so that he can sneak away and steal the mas­ter copy of this fal­l’s SATs from Col­lege Board HQ. And get­ting his wid­owed dad to close the deal with Ms. Hunter the vir­gin art teacher. (Down­town Hilton, June 22nd, 8pm, $75)

Home­com­ing: Home­com­ing is typ­i­cal­ly an event for uni­ver­si­ties or high schools. Well, this one is at a farm. Farmer Ned Tugent is bring­ing all the ani­mals back to the barn where many of them were raised, and to cheer on the cur­rent class of pigs, cows, and hors­es. The ani­mals have no idea what’s real­ly going on, but Ned hopes that this time his date won’t leave with Chuck Mason the may­or’s son. (33 miles north of the city off Route 32, June 25th, 4am)

Fights

O’Shan­ny’s: Get out your fists cause it’s going down at O’Shan­ny’s Pub on Thurs­day night. Some­one will spill a drink, or shoot a dirty look, or just make a snide com­ment about some­one’s glass­es. How­ev­er it hap­pens, it’s going to be a blood bath. We’ve all been work­ing a lot late­ly. Let’s blow off some steam. Bring your bricks. (3421 Brain St., 10pm)

Movie Night: Time for Jeff and Car­ol’s bi-month­ly date night and they’re just going to stay in, order some Thai, and watch some­thing on Net­flix. But what’ll they watch? Who knows? But it ends with Car­ol hit­ting Jeff with a dic­tio­nary, and Jeff sit­ting on the stoop out­side, bleed­ing and look­ing long­ing­ly at his female cowork­er’s Insta­gram feed. (3342 Blonde Ave,. Apt. 3, June 19th, 7pm)

Events

Jekyll Island Field Trip: The whole city is tak­ing an overnight trip to the coast so we all can learn some­thing about this state’s ecol­o­gy and his­to­ry. Bring boots for the hike and get bunk­mate requests in by Tues­day. Seri­ous­ly, every­one needs to do this because Claire spent a real­ly long time plan­ning it — so don’t bail. Claire’s mom is real­ly sick so don’t ask about it and every­one have a good atti­tude. If Claire gets a phone call dur­ing the trip and walks away from the con­ver­sa­tion, just keep cool when she comes back. (June 2nd-3rd, Bus­es leave the North­lake Mall park­ing lot at 8am)

Sports: Are you ready… to fum­ble? Hoops will be scored, home runs whacked, and serves volleyed back in this thrilling sports thing in a bowl or dome with peo­ple doing some­thing with their arms and bod­ies. And it’s pos­si­ble black guys are bet­ter at it than white guys. Oh, now you’re offend­ed? I mean it as a com­pli­ment! Hi Human Rights Tri­bunal, do you feel like steal­ing some free­dom of speech from peo­ple?! (Vans Are­na, June 25th, $10-$80)

Odds and Ends

Tube­Con: Anna­beth Pow­ers, host of the pop­u­lar “My Drunk Fur­nished Base­ment” video blog, curates this gath­er­ing of the top YouTube per­son­al­i­ties. Expect­ed guests include the stars of “Retard­ed Spock,” “Girl In Glass­es,” “Man­nequin A Day,” “Review My Boobs,” “Asian Some­thing,” “Doc­tor Tank­top,” and “Ask a Rapist.” (Home Depot Cen­ter, June 9th-11th, 2 bitcoins)

Free Bath­room: What’s worse than when you’re try­ing to pass your bow­els in a pub­lic bath­room and some jerk comes in, sits in the stall next to you, and makes you too self con­scious to go? Absolute­ly noth­ing. So hear this — the bath­room on the 4th floor will be qui­et and emp­ty from 9:30am to 11am on Tues­day morn­ing. Don’t ask how I know. Just do your busi­ness and be hap­py about it. (Down­town Cour­t­house, June 5th)

Booze Cruise: Sig­ma Alpha Epsilon, the wildest frat on cam­pus, embarks on its annu­al week­end-long boat-based beer-strav­a­gan­za. Tick­ets are free. You just have to do a shot for every chick you did­n’t bang this year. And at Lob­ster Bib’s behest, it’s not gonna be a repeat of last year where we spent the whole time argu­ing over who can read a book the fastest. What? S‑A-E! S‑A-E! S‑A-E! (June 13–15th, Lake Oboe)

Great Dark­ness: We’ve all heard the whis­pered rumors of an evil mar­shal­ing its forces in the west, seen the for­est crea­tures depart­ing for lands unknown, and heard the cries of infants in the night — now, wit­ness what hap­pens when the Great Dark­ness descends upon us all, just as that gyp­sy witch fore­told. The time of man is over. Chaos and mag­ic shall rule once more. All hail the mighty eye. (For­ev­er, Eter­ni­ty, $10)

Minu­tiæ Staff Meet­ing: Writ­ers, edi­tors, interns and the like are all agig­gle over the rumor that the next staff meet­ing will be catered with bagels. Blue­ber­ry, Raisin, Onion, Every­thing, every­thing. The word is there will be options. No spreads though. You know the deal with that. Just dry bagels. The high­er ups are try­ing to make a report that they want a juici­er mag­a­zine. So, if every­one just works real­ly hard next mon­th’s meet­ing will have some real pri­mo prime rib and hope­ful­ly a juice bar. (June 1st, Mid­night, The Cube, 7th Sector) ♦