by Danny Cohen
I have been the coach of the Minutiæ Cycling Team for the past decade. It has recently come to light that all members of the Minutiæ Cycling Team have been participating in enhancement performance, and the team has been banned from all international competitive cycling events by the International Cycling Union. Not only are we saddened by the loss of our chance to represent Minutiæ on the world stage, but we are ashamed that we let down our fans. With that in mind, we would like to offer our sincere apologizes and explain how our racers engaged in illegal practices.
Three members of the team were involved in doping using a sophisticated cocktail of erythropoietin, human growth hormone, cortisone, giant moose semen, blood transfusions, testosterone and plasma. This was a common practice amongst the men, who came to call themselves “The Three Drug-migos,” “Three Men and a Doping,” and “The Three Dope-sketeers.” The men, who also liked to be called “Three Pence None the Druggier”, have accepted plea bargains with the USDOJ and the drug trafficking charges have been dropped.
In addition to those three team members, rider SeÃ±or Fartsinmouths turned out to be none other than three giggling sugared-up 8‑year olds in a trench coat. How we did not notice this earlier, I can only attribute to Señor Fartsinmouths’ incredible win streak and impeccable public persona at press conferences and in television guest spots on The Office, Secret Life of the American Teenager and NCIS. The 8‑year olds are being returned to their respective orphanages with bellies full and cheeks rosy.
Furthermore, we learned that the Canadian brothers XJ3 and XJ4 were actually sentient solar-powered bicycles. These deceptive con-robots were beloved members of the team, always raising moral on the road with their hilarious antics and rip-roaring Blues Brothers impression. They have now committed their lives to being part of the secret Canadian special-ops military force The Toronto Maple Leaves.
Finally, I take full responsibility for not being a more stringent coach in my failure to notice the cheetah, the Loud Gay Man in Neon Spandex on Rollerblades with a Boombox, and the Red Bull NASCAR pace car, each of which had become such integral parts of the Minutiæ Cycling Team. The UCI has rightfully stripped us our record 34 wins, and in the coming months we can only hope to begin to rebuild our lives and your trust.
Señor Fartsinmouths, Sr.
Minutiæ Cycling Team Coach, 2002 — 2013