by Kyle Bosman
The Rise of Spanish Mono in US Schools
by Junior Reporter Chelsea Bryant
Since the ”˜90s, being “cool” has always meant making sacrifices. To be “cool,” students will talk back to teachers, get tattoos, and even have sex with each other. This school year, a trend more alarming than ever is rising: getting Spanish Mono on purpose so you will be cool and get a boyfriend or just have people come to your party. That’s right: America’s youth finds it acceptable to get sick to be cool.
“I don’t know why, but once you get Spanish Mono, you just don’t just seem popular, you are popular. You wouldn’t get it,” said Lilly Etton, my best friend.
With 3 million populars infected, and growing, Spanish Mono has risen as the “it” disease. It’s something like wearing clothes from New York City, memorizing Lil Wayne songs, and having divorced parents all put together, with a bonus trip to the hospital for extra attention. For too many, the boost in popularity is can’t-miss.
Some people believe this began as far back as 2006, when the word “sick,” like “dope,” “bad,” and “bitchin’,” became an acceptable substitute for “cool.” Then a cool boy in Montgomery County got Spanish Mono, and that became the trendy thing to do, quietly gaining momentum among popular tables until someone’s fat friend learned about it, and then within months everybody started doing it except for the smart motivated girls who want to write for newspapers someday.
Unlike regular mono, the kissing disease, Spanish Mono can only be contracted from heavy contact with the genital sweat of an infected. For uncool kids who can’t find a “Spanish Mono Sponsor,” robbing gym clothes is usually the only option. On the first day of contact, the skin around the eyes gets dark and puffy, and there’s a very distinct cough; it sounds like a clicking from the throat, like there’s a bunch of marbles in there. 95% of those who get Spanish Mono pass away by the second week, but most victims argue it was all worth it.
“I’ve never been cool. Francesca Barber hooked up with me last night. I’m finally happy,” said Chris Phipps, minutes before his death.
Phipps promised that he was going to take me to the Spring Dance, so… thanks, Spanish Mono.
“The way my son caught this disease, and what has happened to him, I just hope it’s a lesson,” said Phipps’ mother Leslie. “Spanish Mono is a bad thing. It’s a horrible thing. Horrible means cool now right?”
For the record, it does. ♦