Minutiæ

Allow me for a minute, thank you, to present you with the glar­ing head­line of the forth­com­ing decade: “MAN IS FATTER.” Yes, peo­ple of this nation, even amidst talk of lat­té wraps and com­post­ed fiber, we con­tin­ue to stack burg­er pat­ties upon burg­er pat­ties in the indul­gence of fla­vor, calo­ries and the degra­da­tion of human­i­ty. Look­ing back to look ever for­ward, it is easy to see how since the late 20th cen­tu­ry our bel­lies have become weight­ed down. 

Inspec­tion begins with the McDon­ald­siza­tion of our eat­ing habits. Stuff­ing gob after gob of nutri­on­less-macrocaloric-sloth­in­cu­d­i­tionary “food” has led us here. (Fur­ther­more, in this opin­ion­at­ed-edi­to­r­i­al, I will put the agro-adver­tis­ing-indus­tri­al com­plex on tri­al) Con­sid­er, yes, for just a moment, of course, that if you were to take 20%, just 20% of the remain­ing sucrose in just, get this, the East­ern seaboard, and sprin­kle it over the land mass of Ugan­da, Paraguay and their sis­ter-triplet Hun­gary, we would see a 50% spike, yes, spike, in fur­ther abate­ment. What is stop­ping us? Enter the Star­buck­si­fi­ca­tion of America.

We stand in line to get our sips of sweet sours. Over $300 bil­lion a year is sift­ed through a mer­can­tile the size of, adjust­ed for infla­tion, Dutch Nas­sau. If a small frac­tion of that $300 bil­lion was spent on the absolute bot­tom line of health edu­ca­tion in only the bot­tom third poor­est schools, there would be a dec­li­na­tion. In fact, dou­ble that and it would be no more. How­ev­er, we are being held back by the Bloom­burgi­fi­ca­tion of Amer­i­ca. Sim­ply put, throw on your size 42 Air Pump Jor­dans and fol­low me further.

Take a walk through any city in the low­er 48, with a pop­u­la­tion under 10,000 strong and you’ll see, in frank­ness, the result of years and years of con­tin­u­al actions. If you had the GDP of Iowa alone, taxed a cumu­la­tive 3% and split into three tri­bunals of coun­cil­men from the allit­er­a­tive cities of the state cap­i­tals of the non­con­tigu­ous states, there would be a 19% increase in pre­ven­ta­tive mea­sures, and not real­ly just that, for the low­est tax brack­et in the high­er earn­ing coun­ties in Mid­dle Amer­i­ca. How am I the only one hear­ing this log­ic? It’s a mir­a­cle only a third of every pur­chase in this coun­try is recum­bent. Let’s con­sid­er, for a moment, the Amer­i­can Idol­a­try of America.

If we’re to slim our waist­lines, we first need to shut the door on mas­sive gov­ern­ment sub­si­dies to the nine­teen growth mar­kets includ­ing metal­lic non-con­duc­to­ries, bina­ry com­pounds and gener­ic foundries (the oth­er six would get me locked up in bour­geois gestapo-spon­sored Guatana­mal­is­tic sanc­tions). Can we real­ly let the Oba­ma­nomics of our nation continue?

And that’s the Sec­ond Thought. ♦