Department of Salutations — Food


grantkoltkelly Yo, I’m writ­ing this on my iPhone because it’s due tomor­row and I’m at a media event for the release of our new line of Cam­bo­di­an-inspired Chef Boots For 35 Year Olds. Oh, yeah, I’m Grant Koltkel­ly, head of PR for Charmed Plu­ot, the coolest food com­pa­ny. We start­ed as a knocked over food cart in Bush­wick four months ago, and since then we’ve opened up loca­tions in all the eight bor­oughs (yeah, there are eight), JFK Air­port, Mia­mi Beach, Lis­bon, Ibiza, plus our line of aprons, cook­books, uten­sils and, yeah, boots. But, we’re most excit­ed about our pur­chas­ing of Minu­tiæ Pub­lish­ing so we can turn it’s pre­mier mag­a­zine into the great­est food mag­a­zine there is. From this month on, Minu­tiæ is all about Food.

So, what can you expect from Charmed Plu­ot presents Minu­tiæ? Well, just yes­ter­day, after we had signed the con­tracts from our phones (paper­less, please, so we can save the plan­et because those in food are the most con­scious and capa­ble of sav­ing the plan­et), we had a meet­ing on our motor­cy­cles as we were doing donuts in the park­ing lot. Our founder, Ken Bore­anous (the Kore­an-Chi­nese-Brazil­lian-Span­ish-Van­cou­ver­an-Roman-Siber­ian 15 year old wun­derkind) decid­ed that we need to make the coolest food mag­a­zine ever. We’re throw­ing out tra­di­tion­al recipes, pho­tos and sto­ries. You want to learn how to make meat­loaf? Sure, if that meat­loaf is at the same time low-brow (using canned ingre­di­ents from a strug­gling pub­lic school dis­trict) and high-brow (uti­liz­ing bacon made from a sow that only ever walked on two legs), but if you think there’s going to be sim­ple direc­tions, think again. The recipe is going to be mixed in with a sto­ry of going out for a night of drag­on-ven­om tast­ing in Taipei with a chef, a musi­cian, a come­di­an and Ken’s 4th grade sub­sti­tute teacher, Doc­tor­al Can­di­date Richard Agsworth!

But while we’re bring­ing you insane nights out, we’re going to also be bring­ing you the same amount of ground-break­ing heart-break­ing bone-break­ing report­ing that’s tan­gen­tial­ly relat­ed to food. Like, we’ll start talk­ing about the school lunch­es in Detroit, but then soon switch to just talk­ing about the crum­bling city, and then it’ll just devolve into a series of stark pho­tographs of old black mar­ried cou­ples in front of dilap­i­dat­ed hous­es with the cap­tion “Your Fault.” We’ll have our month­ly col­umn where we make you feel guilty about eat­ing your favorite food (let’s just say after read­ing what hap­pens to North Kore­an work camp inmates after their dead, you won’t want anoth­er bite of your bur­ri­to bowl). No one is get­ting left off the hook, grinder and vac­u­um sealer.

But, we’re not just about grime and crime… we’re also here to pat each oth­er on the back. When we do some­thing, any­thing, we’re going to pro­mote it. When Bore­anous served a frozen poached egg, we flood­ed the inter­net with press releas­es, social media posts, and a phone game. When we decid­ed to stop tip­ping at all of our Charmed Plu­ot Stoned Mar­kets, we took out an ad in the New York Times that spanned the entire paper for an entire week (except the obits because, like, we are the most respect­ful out of any­one ever)(and if you’re think­ing “wait, I thought you were paper­less,” got­ta respect the past, bro).

So we humbly present Charmed Plu­ot presents Minu­tiæ. If you don’t read it, you’re being will­ful­ly igno­rant of the most impor­tant jour­nal­ism to ever take place, writ­ten by peo­ple who have nev­er used a pen.✦